I managed to avoid her the entire day, but the following morning at nine on the dot, there she was, standing at the shop entrance. I kept my eyes on the floor, trying to sidestep her, but she was blocking the door. Wouldn’t let me avoid her. We stood there for a few minutes, until I lifted my gaze and looked at her. I had tons of feelings toward her, but I didn’t know how to deal with not knowing what was going on in her head. There were so many things I wanted to tell her but I didn’t know where to begin. I thought of giving her a peck on her left cheek, which I knew she liked, but I didn’t know if it was still appropriate.

“You kind of suck at this, huh?” she said and smiled.

I smiled back.

4.

NOW I FIX an average of 15.6 devices per day. I’m still waiting for Benny to replace me with his nephew, but frankly his thoughts are a mystery to me. Nurit and I still meet every day, usually in the evening. Sometimes she comes over and I make us pasta with cream and sweet potatoes. She says it’s delicious. I can’t tell if that’s what she honestly thinks, but I tend to believe her. She tells me Istanbul is the only capital in the world that stretches across two different continents, and I quietly think how lucky I am that she didn’t dump me. And sometimes we don’t talk at all, just sit silently side by side until we fall asleep. She won’t tell me what she heard on the radio that day, and I decided it was best not to insist. Since that whole incident in the shop, she hasn’t told me she loves me. I admit it worries me sometimes, but I try not to think about it. I’m not totally sure what we have between us, but maybe some things don’t have to be spelled out.

The Meaning of Life Ltd.

1.

I WANT TO make it perfectly clear—at no point did I contemplate killing myself. Not at all. It wasn’t as if I felt I didn’t want to live anymore, it was nothing like that. It’s just that suddenly, when I really thought about it, I couldn’t find one good reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Why take for granted that I’d choose to get up, brush my teeth, and spend another day in this world?