I suddenly felt deeply hurt, and sat down on the edge of the bed. Looking out at the drizzle outside, I said, ‘Yiyi, when I carried you down from the mountain today, I felt like crying. Do you know why? I felt … it wasn’t you I was carrying, but that I was giving a piggyback to my daughter. She’s nine this year, but I’ve never even been able to give her a piggyback, and I really wish that I could – I’d like to do something for her as a father. Yiyi, this is an invisible battle line, but it’s crucial for preserving the security of the Party and our country, and having chosen it, we have chosen a revolutionary life. That means that personal advantage, hopes, ideas and our futures don’t matter any more; they are all subordinate to the necessities of the revolution. A revolution demands sacrifices, it demands discipline, it demands selflessness – that you forget about yourself. Every individual has to throw themselves wholeheartedly into the revolution, to make it even more glorious, even more brilliant.’

She opened her eyes and told me not to preach at her. I said that we were doing an important job here. She got cross and shouted, ‘Stop all of this “you” and “us” stuff, like I’m a complete outsider!’ I was startled, and she continued, ‘I’m a tree, and having been planted here for so long I’ve become one of Unit 701’s trees, so there’s no need for you to preach at me like that. I’m going to crack RECOVERY, but not for your sake. You’ve always carried on as if RECOVERY is yours – your ideas, your future – but the fact is, RECOVERY isn’t yours: it’s mine. It’s my proof that you are an utter bastard. So whatever you do to hurt me, I am not going to give up on it. I know what you’re up to: you’ve done something you’re ashamed of and now you’re afraid that I might pack in my job, and so you’ve come to try and talk me round – well there’s no need. You can go now. I’m tired and I want to get some rest; the sooner I’m better, the sooner I can get back to work.’

I opened my mouth to say something, but she cut me short. ‘Don’t say anything. Save your strength and go home. You’ve done what you had to do; you’ve also done things that you shouldn’t have. All that’s left for me now is to do what I have to do – and I will, don’t worry about it.’

‘I’m not worried –’

She cut in, and said with a cold smile, ‘You have nothing to worry about, but you still can’t let things rest. You really are a nasty piece of work, you bastard!’