She held tight to my hand, staring fixedly at me, and then after a long pause she said, ‘Zaitian, you must believe me, we need God’s help. Do you remember that before leaving Beijing, I went to pray in front of the statue of Zu Chongzhi?’

‘Of course I remember.’

She said in a sad and despairing voice, ‘But how can someone like me, unwanted by men, possibly be loved by God? Zaitian, do you really think that I can crack RECOVERY like this?’

I had a feeling that we might be working round to that old tune, so while I was trying to get her to let go of my hand, I said with a laugh, ‘What are you talking about? I, more than anyone, am sure that you can crack RECOVERY.’

She simply wouldn’t let go of my hand. ‘Love me, Zaitian. I need your help, and God knows I love you … If God sees you don’t love me, then how can He love me? Really, Zaitian, this time … this failure … Zaitian, help me – for you to love me would be the biggest help …’

‘Yiyi, how can you … what are you saying … ?’

‘Otherwise we can’t crack RECOVERY …’

I cut her short. ‘You’re wrong!’ I wrested my hand free and stood well back, looking for all the world like a recaptured prisoner, begging to be forgiven. ‘Yiyi, please don’t do this to me.’

She ran after me and grabbed hold of me. ‘Why don’t you love me? Zaitian, I love you, I really love you … and I know you love me …’

I was absolutely furious, and looked across at the casket of Xiaoyu’s ashes standing on the altar. Then I dragged her to the door and pointed at it: ‘Out! Just get out!’

She was completely at a loss. ‘Zaitian, I don’t know what to say …’

‘Don’t say anything. Out!’

‘I’m not leaving.’ She threw herself against me. ‘Zaitian, love me, hold me …’

I flung her aside and took a step back. ‘Don’t come any closer … just go away …’

She stood there, and there was both bitterness and anger in her wet eyes. ‘Zaitian, I really don’t know what to say … I know I shouldn’t be here now demanding your love … I should wait until we’ve cracked RECOVERY … but, Zaitian, this failure was a terrible setback for me. God isn’t helping me, God isn’t on my side … I ask myself all the time, why? Why isn’t God helping me? And it’s because I haven’t made you love me … Someone who isn’t loved by a man can’t hope to be loved by God … Zaitian, believe me, I love you, I need your love …’