Or am I? Hmmn. I suppose it might be useful/honest/helpful at this juncture to share the contents (or just the pith, the nub) of a very lengthy telephone call (which was received – due to that pesky time differential – late last night) from Kimberly’s attorney (no less) pertaining to Kimberly’s last will and testament. Or the lack of one. A search of her home had been undertaken (by a greedy niece) and nothing definitive had been discovered. Which meant that I, as her ‘husband’, would be first in line to inherit … to inherit … well, the whole kit and caboodle. Everything. Everything Kimberly. Bills, debts, standing orders, funeral expenses. The house. What remains of her insurance payout. A prospective lawsuit against her useless dentist. The photos. Oh yes, the photos. Please, please don’t let us forget about those.

And how did I respond to this news? Shock! Yes. Complete shock! A swift backhander-across-the-chops – bwuuh! – kind of shock. Then a measure of deep anxiety (not entirely dissimilar, in fact, to how I responded to Mrs Meadows’s legendarily green fingers trespassing upon my fly) followed (quite hard-upon) by … by a gradual sensation of … well, like a gentle defrosting (imagine clutching on to a hot-water bottle but your hands are freezing. At first you are too cold to feel anything and then suddenly this gentle, this profound and incredible feeling of … of extraordinary, comforting, low-level warmth), finally followed by what I can only describe as a sensation of pure, unexpurgated, unadulterated joy. Joy!

JOY!

I was a part of it! I was remembered! I actually mattered (for once)! It was real! It wasn’t just one-sided or in name alone! I was of significance! Yes! I was … I was regarded! Liked! Respected! Included! I was … I was loved!

I WAS LOVED!

AND … AND CHERISHED AND … AND HONOURED!

I WAS TRUSTED!

SHE TRUSTED ME!

STILL! AFTER … AFTER EVERYTHING.

But am I trustworthy? Eh? Wasn’t I fully intending on …? Am I trustworthy? Miss Hahn probably wouldn’t—

Enough!

JUST BREATHE, FRANKLIN! JUST … JUST BREATHE!

This was followed (sixty seconds later) by: ‘Did Kimberly actually want me to inherit? Isn’t it all just a terrible mistake? An almighty screw-up?’

And this, in turn, was then followed (two, three minutes later) by: HAAAAAA! THEY’RE ALL MINE!

MINE!

MINE!

MINE!!!

(Not my greatest moment, I confess.)

Miss Hahn (as an inheritor of property herself) would probably find it difficult to imagine that I hadn’t already pondered this extraordinary eventuality at some considerable length: you know, the will, my inheritance etc. (Good heavens! Was that why she brought over the pie? As a pastry-encrusted negotiating tool?) But I honestly hadn’t – honestly (too sad? Too hungry). And who cares what Miss Hahn thinks anyhow? Ha! The Sea Scouts! Miss Hahn in the Sea Scouts! Absolutely bloody typical! That woman has a rare genius at turning up where she isn’t wanted and then promptly tying everything into knots …