And the eye – which is normally obscured by the aforementioned fringe – exudes a slightly vulnerable quality, as though it’s generally hidden because of a dangerous excess of … of, well, sincerity. That eye must be concealed! It must be! If only for its own (and Miss Hahn’s) personal safety! Because of a natural frankness … this wonderfully artless … unadorned … uncontrived …

Oh dear! the imaginary Miss Hahn murmurs (some way off), that naughty dog appears to be …

Blah blah blah.

In fact her eyes truly are the most exquisite grey-green colour … like a … a quiet sea held at the exact point of tide-turn under a lowering sky … the most feathery-gentle, dove grey … calm yet curiously animated – arresting …

Good gracious! the imaginary Miss Hahn sniped, your descriptive powers certainly aren’t improved by an excess of woolly sentiment, Mr Huff!

Because here I stand, I thought (ignoring the senseless carping of the imaginary Miss Hahn), holding the actual Miss Hahn’s arm, her wrist, in my hand, touching her … feeling her … (Have I ever touched or felt Miss Hahn’s arm before? Might this actually be a first?) so … so why don’t I just … well, indulge myself for a moment and …

Mr Huff? The imaginary Miss Hahn cleared her throat, noisily, you should probably …

… and focus my mind on the extraordinary sensation of her skin under my fingers. It feels so very … so very warm and … and …

Mr Huff! the imaginary Miss Hahn snapped. Do try and keep your wits about you!

… and so very, very soft. And if I subtly loosen the pressure of my … and then slowly slide my thumb up the inside of her …

MR HUFF!

I suddenly came back to myself and saw … Oh no! No! It’s that damn dog! It’s that damn spaniel with the stupid name! Janice or … or …

Joyce

… or Susan or …

Joyce

or … or Wilde or Shaw or Hemingway or Fitzgerald or …

Joyce

… or Joyce. Exactly! Or Joyce.

‘… then even when I came round with the pork pie,’ the actual Miss Hahn yammers blithely on, ‘I fully intended to … you know, but it simply didn’t pan out. You just seemed so incredibly …’

Okay … okay … I started to try and lead Miss Hahn, very gently, very unobtrusively, back towards the house, but I wasn’t especially mobile, alas, and Miss Hahn was far too engrossed in what she was saying to respond as promptly as I would have …

‘… incredibly vulnerable, you know,’ she said, ‘because of … of Kim … and even though I was tormented by guilt – this awful … awful weight of guilt – I sincerely felt that it might do more harm than good if I …’

She’s going to look down, Mr Huff! Miss Hahn trilled.

Shut up! Shut up! No she isn’t! No she isn’t!