Chapters (49)
- Cover
- CHARLOTTE LEVIN
- Dedication page
- Epigraph page
- They all stared …
- My darling Samuel …
- I often think …
- We never talked …
- The next morning …
- For the remainder …
- My weekend consisted …
- I made it …
- You buzzed me …
- For the next …
- I was still …
- London. A city …
- It’s impossible to …
- It had been …
- It wasn’t the …
- I watched a …
- From that point …
- Edward’s flat was …
- It was the …
- By the time …
- Everything changed after …
- ‘Is that Constance …
- No longer the …
- Knowing Fiona had …
- The next day …
- For the next …
- The whole weekend …
- ‘On the day …
- You were on …
- I found myself …
- I rocked back …
- The sweating, the …
- The small hipster …
- According to Dale, …
- The pollen was …
- Which brings us …
- He opened the …
- Exiting High Street …
- Then there was …
- I can’t recall …
- So there it …
- My beautiful Constance …
- Acknowledgements
- If I Can’t Have You
- If I Can’t Have You
Even Harris seemed impressed with what I’d achieved and told me to have a tea break at eleven. By half twelve I’d done so well I was singing along to Dusty Springfield, finishing off my last file.
Then there was a knock at the door.
I stopped. Confused, I looked towards Dr Harris’s room in case he was expecting someone, but he didn’t emerge. The knocking came again. This time harder, longer.
Presuming someone had got the wrong address, I went over to open it. As I pulled inwards, my free hand automatically shielded my eyes from the blinding sun. And so it took a moment for me to realize that it was you.
‘Oh . . . thank God you’re still here.’ You walked in past me as I opened the door fully.
‘Is everything OK, Dr Stevens?’
It wasn’t the ‘you’ I was familiar with. It was a sweaty, dressed in shorts and damp T-shirt, exposed muscular legs ‘you’.
‘Apart from being a total moron, yes, I’m fine . . . I . . .’ You could barely get your words out. Placed your hands on your hips and leant forward. ‘Sorry . . . stitch . . . I thought I’d do something positive this morning . . . Got up, went for a run. I haven’t run for ages . . . clearly. So I do five miles—’
‘That’s good—’
‘Yes . . . five bloody miles. I make it home . . . thinking I was going to die . . . which, as a doctor, means there was a lot of evidence to back it up—’
‘Do you want some water?’
You nodded, your energy for speaking used up. I hurried to the kitchen, letting the tap flow, so it was cold enough for you.
When I returned, you took it off me and gulped it all. Wiping the excess from your mouth before running your fingers through your wet hair, revived.
‘And so I make it home, barely alive . . . then realize I hadn’t taken my bloody keys with . . . Didn’t have my phone.’ You handed me the empty glass.
‘Oh no . . . Shall I call a locksmith?’
‘No, no. Thank God I always keep a spare in my desk. It’s not the first time I’ve done this: I have form. I’m so bloody lucky that Harris was in today . . . Thank fucking Christ, eh?’ You headed towards your office. I followed you. ‘Why am I such an idiot, Constance?’
‘I don’t know, Dr Stevens.’
I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. Though I don’t think you were listening anyway, as you continued babbling.
‘I asked someone for the time . . . then regardless of the heart attack I was already having, I ran here too, to catch you. Constance . . . can you open up for me? No keys.’ You smiled, but your face flooded with blood and irritation.