Back If I Can't Have You
Chapters (49)
  1. Cover
  2. CHARLOTTE LEVIN
  3. Dedication page
  4. Epigraph page
  5. They all stared …
  6. My darling Samuel …
  7. I often think …
  8. We never talked …
  9. The next morning …
  10. For the remainder …
  11. My weekend consisted …
  12. I made it …
  13. You buzzed me …
  14. For the next …
  15. I was still …
  16. London. A city …
  17. It’s impossible to …
  18. It had been …
  19. It wasn’t the …
  20. I watched a …
  21. From that point …
  22. Edward’s flat was …
  23. It was the …
  24. By the time …
  25. Everything changed after …
  26. ‘Is that Constance …
  27. No longer the …
  28. Knowing Fiona had …
  29. The next day …
  30. For the next …
  31. The whole weekend …
  32. ‘On the day …
  33. You were on …
  34. I found myself …
  35. I rocked back …
  36. The sweating, the …
  37. The small hipster …
  38. According to Dale, …
  39. The pollen was …
  40. Which brings us …
  41. He opened the …
  42. Exiting High Street …
  43. Then there was …
  44. I can’t recall …
  45. So there it …
  46. My beautiful Constance …
  47. Acknowledgements
  48. If I Can’t Have You
  49. If I Can’t Have You

Even Harris seemed impressed with what I’d achieved and told me to have a tea break at eleven. By half twelve I’d done so well I was singing along to Dusty Springfield, finishing off my last file.

Then there was a knock at the door.

I stopped. Confused, I looked towards Dr Harris’s room in case he was expecting someone, but he didn’t emerge. The knocking came again. This time harder, longer.

Presuming someone had got the wrong address, I went over to open it. As I pulled inwards, my free hand automatically shielded my eyes from the blinding sun. And so it took a moment for me to realize that it was you.

‘Oh . . . thank God you’re still here.’ You walked in past me as I opened the door fully.

‘Is everything OK, Dr Stevens?’

It wasn’t the ‘you’ I was familiar with. It was a sweaty, dressed in shorts and damp T-shirt, exposed muscular legs ‘you’.

‘Apart from being a total moron, yes, I’m fine . . . I . . .’ You could barely get your words out. Placed your hands on your hips and leant forward. ‘Sorry . . . stitch . . . I thought I’d do something positive this morning . . . Got up, went for a run. I haven’t run for ages . . . clearly. So I do five miles—’

‘That’s good—’

‘Yes . . . five bloody miles. I make it home . . . thinking I was going to die . . . which, as a doctor, means there was a lot of evidence to back it up—’

‘Do you want some water?’

You nodded, your energy for speaking used up. I hurried to the kitchen, letting the tap flow, so it was cold enough for you.

When I returned, you took it off me and gulped it all. Wiping the excess from your mouth before running your fingers through your wet hair, revived.

‘And so I make it home, barely alive . . . then realize I hadn’t taken my bloody keys with . . . Didn’t have my phone.’ You handed me the empty glass.

‘Oh no . . . Shall I call a locksmith?’

‘No, no. Thank God I always keep a spare in my desk. It’s not the first time I’ve done this: I have form. I’m so bloody lucky that Harris was in today . . . Thank fucking Christ, eh?’ You headed towards your office. I followed you. ‘Why am I such an idiot, Constance?’

‘I don’t know, Dr Stevens.’

I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. Though I don’t think you were listening anyway, as you continued babbling.

‘I asked someone for the time . . . then regardless of the heart attack I was already having, I ran here too, to catch you. Constance . . . can you open up for me? No keys.’ You smiled, but your face flooded with blood and irritation.