so i went to my local metaphysical shop and stared at the decks until i felt one call to me. i went home and did my first spread, googling the meanings and clumsily connecting the dots between each card. i don’t remember exactly what that first spread said, but i do remember the first card i ever pulled: judgment, which speaks to renewal, awakening, and self-reflection. figuring out what it is you need to become your true self. making choices that will alter your life forever.

i didn’t know what that meant, but i felt, even then, the weight of its truth: that i was on the cusp of something new, standing on the edge of the greatest period of transformation i had ever known.

—august 2nd, 2020

at the end

of my life,

i want to be able

to look back on

how i treated myself

and be proud of it.

i want to be able

to remember my 20s

and the relationship

i built with the world

with no regrets.

here’s the thing

i’ve learned about

growing up:

it doesn’t get easier,

you just get stronger.

you learn the lessons

and heal the wounds

and try to surround yourself

with the right people.

and then you hold on tight

and do your best

to enjoy the ride.

for the first time, i have found unconditional love. i did not know i’d yet to encounter it until it revealed itself to me. and when i felt it embrace me as i stared at you, it became obvious to me that everything had been lacking before you came along. to love free of conditions is life’s greatest treasure. it is its most beautiful gift, and aren’t i lucky to have found somebody who has helped me discover it. aren’t we lucky to get to experience this together.

—the joy of something new

it’s a time for reflection.

and as you look back, you feel nothing but pride. you are proud of yourself. you took that small spark you felt all those months ago, that urge to become something more, and you followed it, nurtured it into the greatest flame, and now it burns within you, bright and constant.

you remember how you hated yourself. how you let others control you and hold you back. but no more of that. you are the one in charge of your life. you can see that clearly now. it has always come down to you and what it is you want for yourself, not anybody else.

so right now, you reflect.

and tomorrow, you live for you and you alone.

the world

what a wonder

it is

to finally feel

complete.

today is an unfolding of sorts.

i am waiting for the sun to rise.

waiting for the feeling of life on my skin,

for the signal that it is finally

time to bloom.

this is my secret:

i gave in to the urge. the urge to see everything around me as beautiful. the urge to find joy in menial things and small moments. i lined my windowsills with crystals, made a home out of the local bookstore, found peace in the simplicity of ordering a coffee from the same café each morning. i bathed myself in music. i lit candles every day. i took photos and videos of the people i love so that i would be able to have a memory of them forever.