but more than those things, i allowed myself to feel. i cried a lot. i admitted things to myself that i would never have admitted a year ago. i felt regret. i felt guilt. i felt anger. but i also felt gratitude and hope and happiness. for the first time in my life, i tasted true and utter contentment. over time, i began to feel, even in my moments of grief or fury, that there was a sensation of something i could only describe as rightness buzzing in the background. a confirmation that this was the path i was meant to be on, that this was the road i was destined to travel.

so i suppose what i am trying to tell you is that i did not come into this way of living overnight. it was a long and often brutal process. but when you know you’re doing the right thing, you know. and i knew.

do you?

today

i saw flowers blooming

in gardens and along the sidewalks,

marking the start of spring.

and the sun pressed

warm against my skin

like a soft kiss,

as though it were

an old lover coming back

home to me.

so often,

the small joys drift

through my fingers,

ghosts of something

long gone.

but today

i saw flowers blooming

in gardens and along sidewalks,

marking the start of spring,

and i did not let

the beauty of it

escape me.

i used to dream of a world

where he wouldn’t scare me,

not in the slightest.

and for years,

i thought it impossible.

but here i am,

and it’s almost funny

that he once was so large

and important.

i cannot wait for the day

when i walk into a room

and see him there,

and for the first time,

he will be the one who is

small.

—he no longer matters

i love you like air,

like fresh water,

like a necessity,

like kissing you is the same as breathing,

like everything i need to survive can be found

under your skin.