and god, there are times when i wish i could be 16 again. before i had to make real choices. before i had to decide what career i wanted and whether or not that was even a good idea. before i knew what hating myself felt like. before him. before my idea of heartbreak changed from he liked her more to he said he loved me but he lied and cheated and now it is all so confusing. before things stopped being so simple. before i realized that a lot of the people i thought were my friends were actually unkind. there are times when i wish i could turn back the clock, go back to thinking the worst was over and not lying in wait ahead of me. but maybe at 27 i’ll wish i could be 22 again. maybe this is the new best part of my life, the one i’ll yearn for in 5 years. but at 16 i thought i was on top of the world. and at 22 i don’t feel much like that at all. maybe that’s wisdom. maybe that’s growing up. or maybe it’s the realization that adulthood is less romantic than you think it’s going to be. i know that it’s better too. i’m glad i have choices. i’m glad i am in control. i’m glad to know the difference between real love and cruelty. i’m glad i have true friends. but god, i wish i didn’t have to pay for it. i think that’s it—i don’t really wish i were 16 again, i just wish i could have all this without the parts where i had to pay for it.

sometime after

we stopped talking,

you changed your profile picture

for the first time since i’d known you.

such a small thing,

but it gave me pause.

how strange,

i thought,

how strange to see evidence

of you changing and continuing on

without me being there to witness it.

perhaps there’s a timeline

where it was enough

to have each other.

imagining that

makes it a bit easier

when i think about how

it wasn’t enough

in this one.

where do we go

from here?

do we step back

and watch each other

from afar,

hoping that

if we are meant

to forget,

we’ll each be the first one

who does?

can we still let

each other know

we care?

would it be a crime

to let you tell me

you miss me?

would it be a crime

for me to say it back?

in the end,

does the rope holding us together

fray and snap?

in the end,

do we stop

trying to tie

ourselves

together?

THREE TRUTHS:

1.

not every door is meant to stay open. sometimes all it is going to give you is the power to close it. so close it.

2.

some people will not love you. either they won’t know how or won’t want to. but others will fill their shoes. there will always be people who love you. don’t worry.