Chapters (16)
She held the door open for him and he paused for a moment in disbelief, and then passed into the room. Then she closed the door and turned, and looked at Jerry; her face hard, her eyes staring as always, her arms locked behind her back as she leaned against the door.
“What do you want?”
“I thought you’d be glad to see me.”
“I’m not,” Margot said.
“My former roommate Eric sends his love.” He smiled some more.
She made no reply.
Jerry walked about the small living room. He was very nervous under his eyes. He tried always to look away from her. “Why aren’t you in bed?” he asked, brushing his fingers lightly across the tabletop.
“I was walking,” she said.
“You horny?”
“No.”
“Can’t sleep, huh?”
“Yes.”
“I guess you want to go to bed, huh?”
“Yes,” Margot said.
Jerry walked over to the door where she was still leaning.
“With me?”
She looked him in the face and he lowered his eyes to her breasts not because he wanted to look at them at that moment, but because he was afraid that she would see in his face the fear he had of the thing possibly waiting for him on the other side of twenty-two. “Want to go to bed with me?”
“Why not,” Margot said.
Jerry stepped back, away from her for a moment and brought his eyes up to a neutral part of her face, below her eyes. In her face there was nothing: not the slightest movement of her lips, not the barest hint of breathing about her nose, not the least movement of her chin. Jerry was not accustomed to this; there was no passion and it frightened him. He considered her and he considered the absence of passion in her face. He also considered what possibly waited for him on the other side of twenty-two. Then he smiled, still uncomfortable but confident that he had won something. “What a silly bitch you are,” he said. “What a real silly bitch you are.”
Then he touched her and she did not resist.
“BETWEEN MY EYES I SEE three people and they are all unhappy. Why?”
“Perhaps it is because they are alive. Perhaps it is because they once were. Perhaps it is because they have to be. I do not know.”
“But all around them is the smell of something dead and yet each of them is with someone. Why then are they unhappy?”
“Perhaps they have found a better way to be.”
“But is this way better?”
“I do not know.”
“Then what have we gained from seeing all this?”
“Nothing.”
“Then what have they gained from doing all this?”
“Nothing.”
“Then what will they feel tomorrow and the next day?”
“Nothing.”
“But if this is all there is, what is left of life and why are we alive?”