The doctor’s receptionist, one of those radiantly healthy, flashing-white-teeth types, handed me a clipboard with a registration form to be filled in. I leant on the high counter and dutifully ticked the box for F not M, and then one for my religion. Oh, how I wished I could tick a box for a female god. For starters, a female deity wouldn’t have done such a rushed job. Forget seven days. She’d have planned for seven months, so that more thought could be given to bull ants, flies, crocodiles, wasps, sharks, megalomaniacal world leaders with orange hair, cold-callers, earthquakes, tidal waves, bushfires, famines, pain during childbirth, appendicitis and religious extremism. Cancer and serial killers would also have been deleted at first draft stage. A born multitasker, a female god would also have done something about the annoying lost-sock mystery that tormented me on a weekly basis – although, maybe they’d just seen married couples in action and no longer wanted to be paired?

Besides the wisdom of Sock-rates, a female god would ensure women would never again be condescended to by car mechanics, exploited by tradesmen, paid less than male colleagues, overlooked for promotion, groped on crowded buses or trains, or told in a court of law that they were ‘asking for it’. Eve would no longer be shouldered with the blame for the whole eviction from Eden, either. That duplicitous snake would be put on trial for entrapment.

When I reached the relationship status question on the form, I paused. What was I now – married or single? A female god would also ensure plagues of locusts and rats were visited upon all misogynists, from bearded types who don’t allow women to show their faces, divorce their husbands, drive or play sport, to unfaithful husbands, oh, and himbos who lost their erections at the first sight of female pubic hair.

A female god would also reprogram women’s brains to stop obsessing about unfaithful husbands and himbos who lost their erections at the first sight of pubic hair. The obsession with waxing would also wane.

The medical form had now progressed to questions about age and weight. Hmm. With a female god, cake would have no calories and cocktails would be a detoxing health drink. Botox, collagen and face lifts would also become totally passé, because a feminine deity would make sure that men found older women irresistibly attractive. Men would just learn to read between our lines. And there’d be news for Newton, too – a new law of gravity would ensure that women’s bits only sagged upwards.