‘Maybe I will come tonight,’ I heard myself say, tossing my phone onto the couch. ‘Why not? My husband’s clearly deserted me, meaning I’m footloose and Spanx–free!’ I paraphrased Emerald.

‘Good on ya, Rubes. It’s time to be daring and bold and walk on the wild side.’

I slipped off my wedding ring. ‘I am single and ready to mingle,’ I said.

‘Forget Eat, Pray, Love. What about Drink, Dance, Shag? That’s what women want. Sex is a life force. It’s so intoxicating it takes over your whole imagination. I’d jump off tall buildings or stop speeding trains to get that passion fix. You’ve just got to send out the right sexy signals.’ Emerald yanked my T-shirt over my head. ‘What are you going to wear? Let’s start by tightening your bra.’ She shoved her hand into my left bra cup and hoisted my breast towards the ceiling. ‘Get those tits right up.’

‘Hey, what little I have is already up and out, okay?’ I said, affectionately slapping her hand away.

‘Stop being such a goddamn wuss and make it work!’ Emerald commanded, hitching up my skirt by folding the waistband over itself. ‘And here, wear these knickers. I bought them today but they’re too small.’

Amber intercepted the lacy black pants Emerald had thrown my way and read the label. ‘“Lover’s Spark” Brazilian briefs?’ She shook her head at us in despair. ‘I’m starting to rethink Darwin, I really am. You girls are evolving backwards into teenagers.’

‘I’m not sure I want to wear an outfit that reveals parts of me only an obstetrician should see!’ I chuckled, tugging my hem back down.

Amber’s scowl grew deeper. ‘What do they call this disco? Grab a Granny?’

‘The disco’s called The Erogenous Zone, and Ruby will soon see why. Here.’ Emerald thrust her glass of bubbly at me. ‘Have a quick personality drink before you go out.’

‘But we’d planned to win the trivia quiz tonight,’ Amber protested with pinched lemon lips and a pitying tone. ‘I can’t win without you. The literature category’s your forte. And it’s been so much fun. We learnt a great Japanese word last night – “Yugen”, a description of the awe that overcomes you when you regard Mother Nature’s mysterious beauty.’

‘Yes, it was fun, Amber, but honestly, when am I ever going to use a word like that in my drab little life?’ I said, forlornly. ‘No more brain aerobics. I wanna hear my body talk,’ I sang, launching into an Olivia Newton-John impression, which Emerald joined.

After we’d collapsed, panting with laughter, onto the couch, Emerald said to Amber, ‘Why don’t you dismount your high horse and come with us?’ She stood and unzipped a bag of recently purchased make-up products, and turned my face to the light to apply eyeshadow.