‘Sorry.’ Emerald faltered. ‘Anyway, I’ve been talking to other women on board and let me tell you, back in the real world, men our age expect to date women half our age, and women our age are forced to date men twenty years older; blokes who are always calling on their mobiles from hospital forecourts saying “It’s okay. It’s not malignant.” You spend nearly every first date in casualty because another part of him has fallen off.’

‘I think you’d have to call that “going out on a limb”,’ I joked, seemingly for my own amusement, as my sisters were wholly focused on each other again.

‘Ruby is not going to divorce Harry. There’s no need to split up her family. All marriages can suffer from a little fidelity fatigue. You’ll get past it. And, anyway, younger men aren’t so great,’ Amber countered. ‘You’d have to spend all your time reversing out of rooms so he can’t see the backs of your thighs and compare them to the last teenager he dated.’

‘Speaking of teenagers, I quite fancy our cabin steward,’ Emerald said, practically drooling. ‘He’s Russian. I can think of nothing better than doing the horizontal hopak with a couple of carnally inclined Cossacks, can you? It’s practically a poem. Is there anything more masculine than a husky Ruskie?’

‘Well, if you insist on having a fling with a toy boy, make sure you use the dimmer switch,’ Amber teased, watching as a now-topless Emerald examined her breast buoyancy in the mirror. ‘On second thoughts, forget the dimmer switch. Just turn the lights off. In fact, unscrew the light bulbs.’

‘Use it or lose it, kiddo. That’s my motto. My basement has atrophied from lack of use. And I don’t feel guilty about Alessandro, either. He should feel guilty for leaving me high and dry for years.’ Emerald’s face lost its vibrancy and a shadow came over her. ‘I’m just tired of feeling invisible,’ she said, sadly, then rallied. ‘Just because a woman’s getting closer to her pension, why should “a bit of rough” refer to a leaf of bloody lettuce and not a tattooed toy boy? In the real world you’d have to endure caustic cracks about childproofing your love life and needing to buy a booster seat for your car. But not on a cougar cruise! We’re on the Love Boat, baby, headed for Fantasy Island.’ Emerald, having settled on the jungle-print halter dress, slipped on a pair of brand-new Roman-inspired gold sandals and announced, ‘Right. I’m ready. Let’s go get ’em!’