‘When I sobered up, I seriously considered an emergency operation to have my voice box removed. But I’ve learnt a lot in the meantime – mostly that it’s pathetic to find fault with others while overlooking your own foibles. Of which, clearly, I have many. Anyway, I’ve written down what I want to say this time, so as not to make any big boo-boos. And because, well, I am a writer, after all.’

I liked saying that out loud and not being embarrassed about it. I took out some typed sheets of paper from my dress pocket, the same sparkly dress I’d worn at my ill-fated party, placed them on the lectern and started reading.

‘First of all, I wanted to use this mini wake for Mum as a chance to say sorry. And, being New Year’s, to beg you all to let me start over. The main thing I’m sorry for is that I didn’t really forgive my mother while she was alive. Our father broke her heart, and hurt metastasises into blame and rage, which means, sadly, we girls never knew what Ruth was like before she started drinking and hating.

‘But you only find heaven by backing away from hell, right? Which is what my sisters and I are doing, backing up as fast as we can. We’re not allowing Mum’s bitterness to poison us. So, I just wanted to say thank you, with the deepest love and gratitude, to my sensational sisters, who are my fortune and my blessing, and whose unbridled love, loyalty, inexhaustible wit, warmth and joy light up my life on a daily basis.’

I looked down from the stage of the Sea View function room at Emerald and Amber, who were standing arm in arm and smiling up at me. I winked, and they winked back in unison.

‘And now, to my darling kids . . .’ I searched the small crowd for their sunny faces and beamed over at them. ‘Zoe, Jake, I would take a bullet for you, you both know that. And not just a light graze either, but a full-on Peaky Blinders–type machine-gun body strafe,’ I ad-libbed. ‘You constantly lift me up two octaves on the happiness scale without even realising you’re doing it. And I want you to know that whenever you feel lost or like you can’t find your place in life, I will always be your bookmark. The truth is, though, I have complete faith that you won’t ever lose your way.

‘My darling Jake, who will soon be a qualified electrician, has just joined the volunteer firefighters, like his dad, and I couldn’t be more proud.’ I blew a kiss towards my son, then deadpanned, ‘But, wait. Is that actually you? Because most kids consider a Facebook post right up there with the Dead Sea Scrolls, I’ve only seen the top of my son’s head for, oh, about a decade.’