‘Why didn’t you come to me for money if you’re in trouble?’ Amber asked Emerald, consolingly.

I couldn’t suppress an indignant gasp. ‘Oh! Now you’re feeling sisterly? The only animal behaviour going on right now is from my own sister. I can’t believe it, Amber. I’m in shock. I don’t even know what to say to you.’

‘Ruby, I’m desperately sorry. We all make mistakes, okay?’ Amber’s pretty face flushed red again and the lines on either side of her mouth deepened in dismay. Attack being the best form of defence, she raised a combative eyebrow and then took aim with the only ammunition she had. ‘Just like you, with the ship’s doctor.’

‘The ship’s doctor?’ Harry asked me sombrely. ‘Fuck. Is he . . . the fresh sperm? Is he the father?’

Now it was time for Scott and Alessandro to ‘What?’ simultaneously.

‘We’re having another baby,’ Harry said, flatly. ‘I thought it was mine.’

‘I thought it was the menopause,’ I elaborated.

‘You can’t possibly keep it, Ruby. Everyone knows that, over fifty, there are two things a woman should never do – be seen in natural light and have a s . . s . . . sprog,’ Emerald stammered.

‘Jeezus Christ. It’s just one big sexual lazy Susan with you, isn’t it? Spinning from one sister to the next. Can’t you keep your dick in your fucking pants?’ Scott bellowed, grabbing Harry by the scruff of his Mambo shirt. In the ensuing scuffle, buttons popped and material tore, dissecting a reindeer and decapitating a snowman.

I could not believe what was happening. All our lives were being pulled apart like Christmas crackers.

‘I can’t fucking believe it. I thought we were mates!’ The noise Scott emitted as he punched Harry in the face sounded similar to the cry of a rhinoceros being fed into a food processor. Harry flailed one beefy arm in front of his face in defence, but Scott managed to land a punch on the bridge of his nose, drawing a dark comma of blood. While Harry reeled, Scott drove his clenched left fist hard into Harry’s abdomen.