One minute of conversation about our mother and our sib-ship was drifting into troubled and treacherous waters. My emotional shipping report was issuing a red light warning – icebergs ahead. I immediately went into policewoman mode, stopping the verbal traffic with my hand. ‘We all do far too much for her. Mommie Dearest is the closest thing we have to a home video.’

‘Hopefully she’ll be senile soon and won’t be able to play us all off against each other anymore. “If only you had your sister’s figure . . .”’ Amber mimicked. ‘“Oh, your sister doesn’t do it like that.”’

‘“You mowed the grass too short. Your sister knows better . . .” blah blah blah,’ I added.

‘Senile? Jesus.’ Emerald interjected, in an alarmed voice. ‘What are we going to do with her when she eventually goes gaga?’

‘You have the most practical house, Emerald – mostly on one level. Surely you should take her in?’

‘Oh, yes. That would be second on my list of fun things to do – right after a clitoridectomy,’ Emerald snapped. ‘Bugger that. You should take her in, Amber. You have the biggest house.’

‘That would be second on my list of fun things to do, too – right after having a bubble bath with Hitler,’ Amber said, scowling.

‘Well, I’m not looking after her either – not without combat pay,’ I added. ‘Let’s face it, within a week we’d all be in an institution, sobbing and braiding our hair.’

‘There’s clearly only one solution,’ Emerald stated baldly. ‘We’re just going to have to smother mother.’

This comment was so unexpected that Amber and I guffawed hysterically at Emerald’s audacity.

‘I’m serious. Pets are better off than people, d’you know that? They can be humanely put down when the time comes.’

‘Maybe we could take her to a vet – she is such a cow at times,’ I joked, thrumming my fingertips thoughtfully on my chin. ‘Ah, if only we knew a vet . . .’

‘Ruby’s right. Surely you’ve got enough sedative to put a rhino to sleep,’ Amber asked Emerald. ‘Those opiates are thousands of times more potent than morphine, right?’

‘Well, yeah, we could drug her with a ram sedative,’ Emerald riffed. ‘But we’d have to put a plastic bag over her head and probably gas her with helium to make it seem as though she’d killed herself. But why should I bloody well do the dirty deed? Amber, you know all about poisonous plants, don’t you?’

‘Sure. Oleander tea. Or there’s the flowering aconitum plant. Farmers use it to kill foxes. It’s known by lots of other names – monkshood, wolf’s bane, devil’s helmet, blue rocket. Have you heard of it? Even contact with unbroken skin can kill.’