At first I thought my middle sister was about to open up a discussion on the American awards for excellence in television, but then I realised, amazed, that she was addressing our big sis by an affectionate abbreviation she hadn’t utilised since childhood. ‘If you’re so obsessed with grammar and spelling, why don’t you join us for the quiz this afternoon? With our combined expertise, the Ryan girls will win hands-down.’

‘Thanks, possum, but I’m not really a quiz person.’

‘Trying new things is the best way to stay young. You never know what’s inside you.’

‘Oh, but I do, darl – Brendon, Cillian, Guy, Joaquin, Shane, Zane, River and Hanif.’ Emerald laughed. ‘And I know what’s inside you, Amber – almond croissants, spaghetti carbonara, crème brûlée and cake. It’s so great to see you getting an appetite for life.’

‘Literally,’ I interjected once more. ‘When we came aboard you were so thin, your pyjamas had, like, one stripe.’

‘It’s the chocolate soufflés. They’re like eating clouds,’ Amber said, dreamily. ‘I don’t know what’s come over me, but I feel as though for years I’ve subsisted on a diet of anxiety and insecurity, my hunger only occasionally assuaged by the smallest gulp of attention from my husband and kids. But not anymore! Now I’m stuffing my face so regularly at mealtimes I need to get a cab from the dining room back to the cabin.’

‘All I’m craving is a hunky spunk on a bed of lettuce; or, rather, matelot en croute.’ Emerald licked her lips.

‘Ah, the joy of being cooked for,’ Amber sighed, blissfully. ‘And cleaned for.’

‘So true. Any woman who says she gets high on housework has inhaled way too much cleaning product,’ I agreed.

‘The closest I’ve come to housework is giving my cabin a sweeping glance.’ Amber beamed serenely.

‘And the only bucket we’ve seen is the one with the champagne bottle in it,’ Emerald added.

‘I have raised the laziest kids,’ Amber said, slamming her book shut. ‘I don’t know how I’ve done it. But do you know what I just realised? I haven’t FaceTimed them in days. Not even a WhatsApp message or a text.’

‘Fan-bloody-tastic! Now, promise me you’ll give up your tutor too,’ Emerald lectured. ‘As if being a parent isn’t stressful enough! What, with balancing meals, supervising digital detoxes, and discouraging tattoos, side-boob, piercings and the perception that the Love Island contestants are role models.’

‘You know what? You’re right. I really don’t have to add tutoring on omniscient narrators and quadratic sequences into my already over-booked schedule,’ Amber concurred.

‘Mind you,’ I joked, ‘I do have one burning question for your tutor – when did parenting get so hard? The exam is multiple choice. Are you an over-anxious parent? a) Yes. b) Yes.’