My bathroom is connected to my bedroom through one door, and another door goes out to the living room. I take the door to my bedroom and close both doors. In my room, I grab the first things that come to hand. A loose black silk shirt and black yoga pants, not bothering with any underwear, wanting the next few minutes over with as quickly as possible.

Going out to the living room I find Leo in the kitchen, he’s gotten into my scotch and is sipping at an overfull tumbler. He pushes the box toward me. I open it and push the small pill out from the foil blister. I open the bottle of water and swallow it down. My legs are still shaky, I hope I walk straighter than it feels like I do to the couch before sinking down. I’m reminded with the discomfort of what happened. I don’t say anything, refuse to.

I hear the clink of glass on the granite countertop. Then I hear him moving toward me but don’t look up. “I am sorry for what I did. It should not have happened that way for you, not for any woman. I am not going to ask you to forgive me because it was unforgivable. I have questions. However, no answer excuses what I did—this.”

The quiet, intense sorrow in his voice is making it hard not to cry. “Leo, stop it. It’s not your fault, none of it is. I was right with you, every step of the way. Maybe you could have been more,” I’m blushing like some stupid little girl. “I don’t know, gentle but I didn’t want gentle. I’ve never been with a guy, but I have used, you know, um before, I’ve...”

“You’ve used a vibrator.” He saves me. I nod, not able to look at him.

“If you had asked me I wouldn’t have told you to stop. I believed I was ready for, you know. I’m not blaming you. If you want to fall on your sword, have at it, but I’m not going to push you on it.”

He’s quiet for so long I break down and look up at him. His head is down looking at Felix who is batting at his shoelaces. He’s so beautiful. I can’t stop staring at him, terrified this is the last time I’ll ever see him. Without warning his eyes meet mine and hold, refusing to let me look away. He takes a few steps toward me. His finger runs down my cheek then over my lips so slowly I feel every ridge detail tracing over me. “Why were you still a virgin?”