After hurting Alexa, I simply did not trust myself. Until I could figure out how to control what I was feeling without Alexa becoming collateral damage, I reverted back to the lessons of my youth. Agatha raised me that the best way to function was without emotion. Emotions were dangerous as far as Agatha was concerned and beating them from me was as much a way of helping me as a way of releasing her pain. With age and reason, I discounted her thoughts for the mentally ill beliefs they were. Yet that day, I allowed emotion to rule me, and the result was almost more than I could bear.

When I left Alexa, I did so in the belief I would never see her again. I had no right to ever inflict myself on her. Yet the thought sent deeper pain running through me than finding out about her lie. By the time the elevator reached the ground floor, I was desperately thinking of how to get back to her.

At the corner of her block, a man was handing out condoms and literature on Planned Parenthood. In one awful moment, it hit me, I had not used protection. Stunned, I stood in disbelief. It was more years than I could count since I forgot to wear a condom. The horror that should have been within me didn’t make an appearance, this was a way to get back to her.

I purchased the Plan B within minutes then stood outside Alexa’s building for close to an hour while I tried to figure out what to say or do when I went back upstairs. Her door was still unlocked. I followed the noise of her shower then stood listening to her sob. Every second was a slice into my skin, I deserved it, refused to walk away from the pain I caused. The psychotic cat was using my leg as a scratching post, he hated my guts, he was not alone. When she saw me standing there, I did not know what I expected. It wasn’t the joy that flashed before pain. I swore I would do whatever it took to see that joy again.

Standing there, not able to leave, not able to speak all the words demanding to be let out. I listened to her bitter laugh at the idea she was not worthy of being treated like a treasure, of her assurance she was happy alone. I wanted to accuse her of lying then, to demand she never lie to me again until I saw the truth in her eyes.