Don’t hit your director. Don’t hit your director.

My mouth was moving, but I was detached from whatever vague thing I was saying and couldn’t remember the rest of our conversation. He eventually left, giving me a few minutes to compose myself before I had to be on film.

Things between us were different. I wasn’t just another client like Max.

But why hadn’t she told me? I thought she trusted me. She’d had so many chances to be honest about it and chose not to.

When we first started the contract, I would’ve believed what Max was describing, thinking she was too good to be true and had to be manipulating me. Now, I had a hard time reconciling that image of her with the woman I’d spent the last few weeks with. It couldn’t all be an act…could it?

I kept picking up my phone to call Elena and putting it back down. I needed to think or I was going to screw everything up. And I had a job to do. Now certainly wasn’t the time to have that conversation.

Was all of this a lie?

I didn’t believe that. Couldn’t believe that.

I have no idea how I got through that day of shooting. I tried to feed my turmoil into the character, letting my feelings come out as his intensity, but it was brutal to be there acting out a scene I’d done with Elena, when all I wanted to do was get answers from her.

I kept waiting for her to show up on set, but I never saw her. At first, I was relieved because it let me focus, but then I started to worry she was just going to leave without giving us a chance to talk.

The cold dread that had my hands shaking as I tried to get dressed in my trailer clarified my feelings sharply. I was far more upset at the idea of her leaving me than I was at the idea of her having lied to me. I was sure she had her reasons and we could work through it. But only if she would give us a chance.

As I drove home, my doubts slowly piled atop one another, crushing me until I was near panic. It went beyond anything Max had said and back to my own doubts and insecurities about fame.

Did she even want to be with me? She’d avoided the subject of a future every time I’d hinted at something more, and she always spoke up when she wanted something. Why would she stay silent about something this important? Maybe I was pushing this on her. I didn’t want her to feel obligated or guilty or like I was entitled to more of her if she was ready to move on.

Even asking her felt like I would be putting her on the spot, but I couldn’t live with myself if I just let her go.

Our contract expired while I was sitting in traffic. I’d texted her twice to ask her to wait at my place, but she hadn’t answered.