“Tell me something good about Colin,” I say as we eat. Am I convinced that he didn’t disappear to leave St. Clare to pick up the mess? Nope. But it does sound like he’s in some serious shit, and I’d very much like to help St. Clare get him out of it.

He’s quiet for a moment. “He’s always been an old soul. Our parents split before I can really remember—our mom couldn’t handle being a mom—and when Dad met our stepmom, I was a bit of a dickhead to her. Mostly it was that someone new was coming into our space. Colin sat me down—he was probably ten? Eleven?—and told me to cut it out. She didn’t deserve it, and since Dad had looked after us for so long by himself, it was our turn to look after him by making sure she felt welcome in our home. Things didn’t change overnight—I was a kid; I didn’t really grasp it—but he kept at me, and I’m glad he did because she’s great. That always stuck out as this huge divide between us. The way Colin sees the world so black-and-white. Sometimes I worry he doesn’t have emotion, but then he does things like get me this watch …” St. Clare holds up his arm so I can see the one he’s wearing. “And I remember we show how we love each other in different ways.” St. Clare sighs. “I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

His sadness makes me sad. “You won’t have to figure it out.”

“I wish I could be like you.”

That’s shocking because never ever in my life has anyone ever wanted to be like me. “Why?”

“You always believe in the best. There aren’t many people like that. Some people say they do, but most don’t really believe it.”

I tug at the bracelet on my wrist. “I wasn’t always like this,” I say. “My parents died when I was eighteen. It feels like so long ago, and then it also doesn’t.” The bright red plastic strawberry stares up at me, and it’s like I can see Mom’s fingers as she threaded it onto the elastic. “I sort of lost myself for a bit. Like I existed in a dream and I was waiting for the real world to blast back into focus.” Grief doesn’t work like that though. There’s no stark moment where everything is better again. “I had to fight my way out of that funk. I don’t even know how long it took, but one day, I’d wake up and have the energy, and the next, I’d be back to blurred edges and numbness.”

“I can’t imagine.”