He feels so right that I went to Paris with him. I got excited when he arrived at Paige’s birthday party. Every time he kisses me, it feels like someone’s turned a light on where I thought there could be only darkness.

“I’m not going to fall, Mom,” Paige shouts as she goes by. “I know how to do this.”

“Of course you do. You’ve always been brave.”

The words come out of my mouth as automatically as anything I’ve said to Paige. They’re ingrained down to my bones. She’s always been brave. She’s always been brave, and stubborn, and amazing. Of course she knows how to do this.

Why the hell do I think that I don’t know how to do this?

I drop my phone into the grass and stretch my arms above my head. A weight has been lifted. A ridiculous mental weight that I made up for myself. I’ve been clinging to it for so long, and it’s not even true.

My God, it’s not even true.

If I didn’t know how to do this—how to trust myself—I wouldn’t have Paige back. I wouldn’t have gone to Houston to convince Jane to help me. I wouldn’t have met with Beau when we got back.

I know how to do this.

I shove aside all my fear and all my guilt and all the shit from the past that’s been weighing me down. I pretend, for once in my life, that I’m on a zip line with Paige. Soaring back and forth. Confident in myself.

What do I feel about Mateo?

I feel… astonished. That’s how I feel. Astonished that I never noticed him before. How could I not have noticed him? Because I was drawn to Beau’s brokenness. The way he didn’t want to give himself up to anyone else. Beau and I were too similar, I see now.

And I never thought I deserved someone like Mateo. Why would I? I was a woman who did wrong. I didn’t wait for Beau when he went to LA. I let Rhys talk me into being together. When he turned out to be a monster, it seemed almost fitting.

Of course that’s not true. I didn’t deserve what he did to me. I deserve to be happy.

“Mom. Mom!” Paige plants her feet in front of me. “Are you sad?”

“No. Yes.” I am sad. I’m happy. I’m relieved. I don’t have to hide from this. Why did I think I had to hide from this? “I’m having a bunch of feelings right now.”