I am full of hidden horrors, whispered a voice in the back of my mind. That wasn’t Caroline; this voice was in my head long before I met her.

There was nothing I wouldn’t do to drown it out.

Stretching out my left hand, I set my palm atop a candle. As my flesh extinguished its flame, I felt a rush of pain that brought tears to my eyes. Its razor sharpness was fleeting, but the hot, throbbing sensation that came in its wake focused my thoughts in one clear, untroubled direction. I reached for another flame, and another, telling myself to stop but not being able to. When all the candles were out, and the air was singed with smoke and the oddly sweet smell of grease, I rose, nodding my head at the marble woman in a muted show of thanks. Then I made my exit, finally ready to deliver my wife’s eulogy.

CHAPTER 5 DEIRDRE

CHAPTER 5

DEIRDRE

I took a few diaphragm breaths before making the call. When my brother-in-law answered, I said, “Hey, Theo, this is Deirdre. Could you pick me up on your way to the cemetery?” The words made me queasy. I hated asking for favors. Any dummy could’ve hopped in a cab and made it to Green-Wood, but it was the only way I could think of to get time alone with Theo to talk.

“I just left the restaurant, but there’s a car waiting there for you,” Theo said. “I’ll find out exactly where it is.”

“I didn’t go to lunch. I came home. Could you pick me up at Queens Plaza?”

“What happened? Are you ill?”

“I’m fine, Theo. I just need you to pick me up.” This wasn’t for me. It was for Caro. “I need to talk to you.”

“Hold on.” I heard a soft conversation in the background. “We’ll head over the Queensboro Bridge. I’ll text you when we’re close to Queens Plaza.”

He was good to his word. When he showed up, I leaped into the black town car. “Thanks for doing this,” I muttered.

“Are you certain you’re all right?” Theo asked. He looked genuinely worried. I recoiled under his gaze.

“No,” I admitted. “The whole world feels like it’s broken. I keep hoping this is a nightmare, and maybe I’ll wake up. I still can’t believe she’s gone.”

“Neither can I,” Theo said. “I didn’t sleep at all last night.”

In the church, at a distance, my brother-in-law had looked like his usual self: impeccably dressed, ramrod posture, coldly attractive. Up close, he was worn out. There were purplish half-moons under his eyes, and his skin seemed sallow. His mouth was set in a firm line, and his jaw was so taut I could almost hear him grinding his teeth. My gaze slid down to his hands. One palm was raw and red and blistered.