That—no. That doesn’t make any sense. Theo watches Brother Ward with the expression of a little boy who’s been told to wait patiently for his present but can hardly keep himself still. Mom clasps her hands, perfectly placid and calm.

I’m missing something. Something important.

Keep it together, Benji. Breathe. Everything is fine: Nick got the message, he understands it, he’s going to make it in time. Everything will work out.

If it doesn’t, I just have to tear this all down myself.

I don’t think I can.

And suddenly I know I can’t, because Reverend Brother Ward says, “We are here to celebrate the joining together of two people, two families, in holy matrimony.”

WHAT THE FUCK.

“God brought Theodore and Esther together,” Ward says. “They arrived just days after Father Clevenger gave the order to bring our Angels home, and God has raised them together into the wonderful young people you see before you today.” No, no, no; this isn’t happening. “They are warriors, and martyrs, and have made so many sacrifices for us. We should consider ourselves lucky to witness this here today.”

A terrible feeling sinks into what’s left of my guts. It takes me a moment to recognize it, but—it’s dysphoria, worse than I’ve ever felt. Worse than when I was wearing that dress, worse than when Mom said my deadname. At least then I knew what people thought when they looked at me. Now my body is something else, something I don’t understand, something I can’t quite grasp. Do I have any part of me that still marks me as female? They have to be able to find it in something, so they can assure themselves that there’s a woman under all this. Like there’s a woman trapped in this flesh instead of a boy being this flesh.

“Let’s bow our heads,” Reverend Brother Ward says, “and pray together.”

Did Mom know? Did Theo know? These motherfuckers. Motherfuckers.

“Oh Lord our God,” Reverend Brother Ward begins, “we are thankful for the love You have given to Theodore and Esther’s life—”

I say, “No.”

Every head snaps up.

“What?” Mom gasps.

“No,” I repeat. “No. I don’t agree to this.”

Theo reaches for me. “But we—”

I whirl on him and snap my teeth so close to his face that he falls on his ass into the dirt.

“Fuck you, Theo.” I know I’m supposed to hold it together, I know, I know, but I can’t fucking stand this. I rise to my full height with teeth bared and saliva dripping from my jaws, tinged black like the shit flowing through my veins. Soldiers raise their guns like I’m no better than a beast to be put down, and Mom screams at them to stop.

“Benji,” Theo pleads. “Benji, please. Stop. Don’t do this.”