“Right. Okay.” I gesture to the door. “If you need me to piss off and give you space after this morning, I totally get it. I’ll give you all the space in the world. I just need you to, I don’t know, clear the air. Tell me Cormac is a liar. Then I’ll go. Okay? Just tell me he’s lying.”

He doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything. My heart throbs in my throat like it’s trying to come up.

“You can write it down if you can’t talk,” I say. “Or, or you can tell me that he’s telling the truth. I don’t think he’s telling me the truth, but if he is, you can tell me that too. Because if he is, I feel like we should talk about that instead? Just, whatever it is, give me a yes or no, I don’t care how, and I’ll leave you alone. I swear.”

What if Cormac is right? If Cormac is right—

“Benji?” Nick says. His jaw barely moves. He’s trying really, really hard to get the words out. “I won’t talk about this.”

Nick read the letter. He knows what I am. He knows what I was. He knew the girl I used to be, the twentieth host of the virus, the Angels’ monster. He knew that long before he ever met me.

Oh God, what if that’s all he sees?

Now I’m fighting to get words out too. “Fine. Then I’ll stand right here until you will.”

A long, heavy breath shakes in his chest. He puts down the bead, and that’s what gives his fingers free rein to curl into something painful, knuckles turning white.

I almost feel bad. Almost.

Finally, he manages, “I know what you’re thinking.” This isn’t him standing in front of the Watch. This is him crumbling in front of the Vanguard. This is him weak. “I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not like that—”

“Like hell it isn’t.” I step forward, and a flicker of fear passes behind his eyes, the first time I’ve seen it since the Grace forced him down at the shelter. I relish it. Good. I tear down my mask and bare my teeth so he can see the jagged tooth sticking out of my gums. “So you did? And you’re too much of a coward to admit it?”

It’s like flipping a switch. Nick roars, “Get the fuck out of my room!”

I stumble. For half a second, that’s it, but it’s long enough. Enough to remember how Theo screamed at me before he hurt me, the way I cowered, the way I begged him to stop. I was so weak then. Helpless.