“No, no. I don’t want you to feel that way. Please don’t. My choices are mine. I made them, and I’m the one who should suffer for them.”

“How long should you suffer? Is there a time limit? Will you know when it arrives?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Or is it putting your own life in danger that you believe is the necessity? Or maybe sacrificing yourself altogether, you being the one to die this time instead of someone else. Will that balance the scales? Is that what you’re after? Because if so, just know that you dying will kill part of us too. And Emily.”

“I’m not suicidal if that’s what you’re asking. I’m just… I’m trying to find redemption.”

I ran my hand through my hair. I was confused and my purpose, the one I’d been so set on, wobbled before me. Emily had made similar points in that laundromat in LA, but it’d been easier to dismiss what she’d said then with the stench of dead bodies all around us and the recent vision of those I cared about rotting in their living rooms.

She reached over and took my hand. “I understand that, I do, and, Tuck, you’ve done heroic deeds to help others who weren’t able to help themselves. When presented the opportunities, you took them and I’m proud of you for that. But will serving strangers really bring you the redemption you’re seeking?”

“Maybe not, but what else do I have?”

“You have the opportunity to earn grace every day by loving well and living with honor, and yes, by tending the earth too and rebuilding what has been destroyed. By doing your part to help a community who could use your labor and your knowledge. Perhaps you don’t see the importance of those roles?” She paused but didn’t wait for me to answer. “But beyond any of that, it sounds like you have Emily.”

Emily. Just hearing her name made my heart twist with longing. “We were only meant to be temporary.”

I looked away but again felt her stare. “Is it only that you believe you’re not worthy of Emily?” she asked. “Is it really redemption you’re seeking? Or is it love you’re running from?”

I felt a soft clunk inside me. “What?”

She tightened her fingers around my hand. “It’s scary, I understand. You lost so much, everything that you held dear and true. Your past and your future. It was all so suddenly gone. It’s terrifying to put yourself in a position where that might happen again. To lay your heart on the line must seem like the riskiest thing you could ever do after the rug was swept out from under you once before. Perhaps it’s easier to focus on your guilt, rather than your fear.”