She was silent again and my pain felt all-encompassing, a heavy tarp weighing me down as I sensed the minutes that we had together filtering through an unseen hourglass. But I had to force myself to be glad about this unexpected development. It was hope in the midst of hell. How could anyone pass up a commune with plenty of food and water, overlooking the ocean with security at the gate? And if she didn’t go now, and then later we found that her parents weren’t okay for one reason or another, would there be a second chance? Not necessarily. Like Leon had said, the point where they’d have to turn people away was likely fast approaching.

“You could come too,” she whispered softly. “Instead of Kansas.”

But I couldn’t. I wasn’t looking for safety. I was looking for purpose. I was looking to help those who’d been left behind the borders. To help the helpless. To balance the scales that had been tipped because of me. “I can’t, Em.”

She nodded and I could feel her sorrow. I took her in my arms, and she clutched me too, holding on while we still could.

We made love by the glow of the lamp, our hearts beating in tandem, staying as quiet as we possibly could so as not to be heard. And as we lay together afterward, breaths stilted as the sweat dried on our skin, I thought I felt the wetness of her tears on my chest and barely held back my own.

“This wasn’t supposed to hurt,” I murmured into her hair. “All this time, I was looking forward to saying goodbye to you, and now…” My joke fell flat, the pain in my voice belying the attempt at levity.

Even so, she let out a soggy laugh but gripped me tighter.

Hours later, when Leon woke me to take over the watch, the batteries in the lamp had died and the room was cast in darkness.

chapter forty

Emily

Day Eighteen

Tuck had insisted on traveling with us to the first barrier we’d be crossing through on our two-day walk to San Diego. He’d suggested coming with us on the journey, but that would have meant backtracking several days to my parents, and I’d much rather he get there as quickly as possible. And if necessary, direct my parents to where I was.

“I’ve traveled this route several times,” Leon reassured him. “We’ll be there before sunset tomorrow. I got her.” And then he patted his waist where he’d shown us the weapon he now carried.