All around us, couples erupt in celebratory kisses. I turn to him just as he turns to me. A curious grin plays on his face. His fingers slide over my waist, keeping us close. I place my hand lightly on his chest, tilt my head up to look at him, and we kiss. I feel a giddy burst of adrenaline, and it’s not only the festive energy radiating throughout the room. Despite harboring a crush on him for years, I never fathomed a world in which I stir up the same dizzying feelings that he creates in me. Ryan pulls back ever so slightly, and a smile curls on his lips.

“Happy New Year,” I whisper.

“I think I like this year already,” he says softly.

He rests his drink on the windowsill, then pulls me closer to him, sliding his hands over my hips. His embrace is warm and thrilling. I feel confident enough to let my hand roam from his chest to his shoulder to his neck, feeling the powerful muscles underneath his sweater. My fingers brush the plush edge of his hair. He nuzzles my cheek and trails kisses down the side of my neck. The sensation is electrifying, and my eyes flutter open.

Most of the crowd has moved on from making out; the music is back on. It suddenly hits me that I’m kissing Ryan—not just Cute Ryan from my teenage dreams, but Ryan, the coach I work alongside every day. The person who, like me, is responsible for molding an Olympic champion, and probably shouldn’t be distracted right now. A thick blanket of self-consciousness settles over me, and I tense up.

“You okay?” Ryan asks, dropping his hands from my waist.

I stare out at the room of people. “I, uh, I… I’m sorry.”

“For what?” he asks, looking concerned.

“Should we be doing this?” I ask, pushing my hair back from my face.

Anxiety creeps into my chest.

“Is this too soon?” he says, inching away from me.

I take a deep breath. It’s hard to face him.

“I like you, but I didn’t expect to like you like this,” I say, fumbling for the right words. I’m not brave enough to say what I really mean, which is that I didn’t expect to like him this much. Crushes never really work out that way—just because you think someone is attractive from afar doesn’t mean shit when it comes to having a real connection. “Should we maybe, I don’t know, think about this? I don’t want to mess up what we have at work.”

He rubs his jaw and doesn’t look at me right away. “Sure thing.”

“I should go,” I say.

He doesn’t protest.

The entire ride home to Greenwood, I replay that kiss in my mind and regret leaving.

Part 4. January 2020

JANUARY

2020

Chapter 10

• CHAPTER 10 •