I hate that he makes air quotes around the word. It makes me feel as if he thinks I’m overreacting. I study his profile in the moonlight. I wonder what would happen if I described to him in unflinching detail what it was really like to spend the most impressionable years of my childhood with Dimitri. I can’t muster up the energy to explain what he’s really like if Ryan will only defend him.

I sigh and slump back in my seat.

“It’s late,” I say. “We don’t have to talk about this now. If you’re happy, I’m happy for you.”

He reaches across the gearshift to hold my hand. His warm fingers weave through mine and rest in my lap.

“Thanks for coming with me tonight,” he says, squeezing my hand.

I don’t squeeze his back.

Part 6. March 2020

MARCH

2020

Chapter 18

• CHAPTER 18 •

Nationals are a week away, and Hallie is still struggling. She can’t control her power on her forward tumbling pass—the front handspring, front full-twisting layout, front double-twisting layout—so I suggested she add a stag jump on the end. That way, any energy that comes bounding off the tumbling goes directly into a real, choreographed move. She’ll get points for a jump, rather than a deduction for not sticking the landing. A stag jump should be pretty: one knee bent at a ninety-degree angle in front of your body, with your other leg trailing out long and straight behind you, and your arms thrown triumphantly in the air. But Hallie’s is tense and tight, and it throws off her timing going into the next segment of her routine. Once she loses her cool, it’s hard to recover. The rest of the routine gets rushed.

“Okay, let’s move to the tramp,” I suggest. “We can work on your form there.”

We’ve been finessing this one second of her routine for fifteen minutes now, and I can tell that Hallie is running low on both energy and patience. It’s true that the trampoline is a less physically taxing place to jump repeatedly than the floor is—the elastic power mesh bounces you right back up, obviously—but also, no matter how old or sophisticated a gymnast gets, there’s still nothing quite as joy-inducing as playing around on a trampoline. And more than perfect form, more than excellent technique, what Hallie really needs right now is to feel good. Going into a competition, an athlete’s mental headspace is just as important as her physical well-being, if not more so.

She trudges over to the trampoline, and after a few lazy bounces, she gets serious.

“Stag jumps?” she asks, confirming her task.

“On every bounce,” I say. “Focus on getting that back leg nice and straight.”

She swings her arms to get some momentum, then bounces into shape. With each jump, she thrusts her right leg a little harder behind her.