“Avery, you’ve got to give yourself a break,” Sara says, interrupting my spiraling thoughts. “It’s okay to feel sad. Breakups are sad! That doesn’t make you weak.”

“Ryan’s not sad. He’s ‘networking,’ ” I say, making vicious air quotes.

“He posted one picture,” Sara says gently. “That doesn’t tell you what he’s really feeling on the inside.”

I nudge a scallop with my fork. I wish I could know what he was thinking: if he believes what I said about Dimitri; if he regrets not chasing after me; if he’s wondering how I’m doing right now, the same way I’m wondering about him. I miss him, even though I know I shouldn’t. He crossed a line, and he was wrong—I feel this on a cellular level—but the only comfort I crave is a hug in his sturdy arms. It strikes me as heartbreakingly unfair that the one person who would lift my spirits best is also the person who crushed them.

I want Ryan to stroke my hair and whisper apologies into my ear and promise me he’ll take my word more seriously next time. I need him to tell me he cares as deeply for Hallie as I do, and that he wants to protect her and girls like her, no matter what the cost, even if it means his career doesn’t zoom up the ladder as quickly as he’d hope. I took it for granted that I could trust him. Now I realize I shouldn’t have.

“Sweetie, it’s going to be okay,” Sara promises.

She tries to catch my gaze, and because I don’t want to ruin her night, too, I let her.

I muster up enough energy to pretend like her advice is helpful. “Right,” I say.

“Let’s eat,” she suggests. “Dinner looks incredible.”

But I’ve lost my appetite.

Part 7. April 2020

APRIL

2020

Chapter 23

• CHAPTER 23 •

I’m in a terrible mood. I’m fifteen minutes late to practice because I couldn’t overcome the overwhelming dread of getting out of bed. The sight of Ryan’s spare blue toothbrush in my bathroom made me crumple. I don’t want to face him, but calling in sick would be worse.