“Honey-bunny, I loved Todd, as implausible as you think that is,” she said. “Orville is kind of a wiener for getting engaged if he wasn’t in love.”

“That’s why Oswald ended it. But while he was engaged I met Ian and had a brief, torrid tryst.” I’d walked out on Ian when he tried to give me a willing thrall as an after-dinner mint.

“Lord Lustalicious,” she said. “When he looked at me, I swear I could feel my panties magically evaporating. I have a theory that he can make a girl orgasm by uttering some seemingly banal phrase, like ‘What a lovely basket of bananas.’”

I started laughing. “Ian thinks that you are one of the finest thinkers of our time.”

“He’s a perceptive man,” Nancy said. “But why did you bring Ian as your date to my wedding if you were living with Orwin?”

“Ian wasn’t my date. He was my escort. I told you that Oswald was away on his annual vacation repairing cleft palates for children, but you didn’t believe me.” That night was as indelible to me as the scar on my arm where I’d been slashed. Afterward, no matter how hard I tried, I’d been unable to let Oswald taste my blood.

“Milagro, you with a plastic surgeon is unbelievable, since you have Major Issues with your mother, Regina’s, makeovers,” Nancy said. “Will you ask Ogden if he’d rent his ranch to me for one of my parties?”

“Not a chance. Oswald needs time to get over me.”

“That’s why I adore you. You’re as mature as an excellent wheel of Parmigiano-Reggiano,” Nancy said. “How are things going with Sir Sexalot? Is his new house party-worthy?”

“It would be excellent if you were throwing a Scarface party,” I said. “It has a mirror ball and a pool. Ian is …”

“Sexeriffic?”

“Yes, but also too much the continental roué, I think. All mysterious and imperturbable and debauched and pleased with being Ian Ducharme.”

“I’ve never heard you be so critical about anyone in possession of a penis.”

“Oswald raised my standards. Now I have higher expectations of those in possession of a penis.”

“Osgood was nice, but are you really a nice girl, Milicious?” Nancy narrowed her blue eyes.

“I think we should marry someone we admire, someone who brings out our best qualities,” I said. “Do you ever miss Todd as a friend?”

She considered before speaking. “Actually, I do. I spent so long with him and we really grew up together. It’s almost as though the memories of your life are less real because you can’t share them with someone who was there. I miss Todd’s family, too.”

“I’m still friends with most of Oswald’s family, but they’re careful not to mention certain things.”