I walk, staring in the windows, brazenly appraising the wares, until I find what I’m looking for. Number eight in the queue – a big guy from Africa or Mozambique or … I never paid any attention in geography class. Anyway, I decide on this dark-skinned fella. He’s unaware of the stir I’ve caused and is looking down, quietly reading as I knock on the window. He looks up, rolls down the window, and I tell him where I want to go, mentioning the office block by the canal with the fountain out front, not the actual establishment, obviously. He shakes his head, points to the top of the queue and goes back to reading. I knock again. You don’t understand, mister, I’m showing you a bit of solidarity here. I tell him I’ve chosen him out of all the other taxis. He looks at me, like everyone in my life ultimately looks at me, and tells me to go to the top of the queue. I’m disappointed in him. I feel like he’s let his fellow countrymen down. This was to be a statement. I’m not going anywhere near the top of this angry swarm of mosquitoes. I walk away, deciding to flag down the next cab I see. I won’t even look in the window, I’ll just take what I’m given.

It turns out what I’m given is some kind of wannabe priest/counsellor dude. His first words to me are: ‘What’s a young one like you doing out all alone? What’s a young one like you doing going to a place like that? What’s a young one like you doing with all those bags? It won’t fill the emptiness inside, believe me, I know. Only Jesus will’ – all to a soundtrack of some Classic FM shite, complete with squealing violins. ‘You look like you could do with a friend, and He’ll never let you down.’

I zone him out. Blaaaah.

We’re stuck in traffic, about five minutes from my new abode, when I tell the guy I’d like to get out, pay up, if you don’t mind. He says he couldn’t possibly let me out in the middle of all this traffic, and puts the child-locks on. I’m sure there’s a rule against this kind of thing. I look at the door and can’t even see a button that I could press.

‘I won’t charge you, just want to make sure you get back safely. Too much traffic out there.’