I start to make a game of counting the flat bubbles anyway, trying to pretend to myself. Then, on reflex, my tongue loosens and my throat opens wide and I suck the piece of paper down. There you go, sir, a vital piece of information about me, hidden inside me. I can feel it slithering its way down. HELP I AM IN DANGER. But of course this is the sort of man from whom I am most in danger.

42. Sammy

42

Sammy

Once I’ve started on a course of action, there’s no stopping me, bar crashing headlong into a wall of sorts. If there’s one thing I can count on in myself it is commitment – particularly once I’ve handed over the controls to my demon puppeteer. This is the same feeling I got the night of the bottle, and I really hope Nico gets off the tracks so the hurtling train doesn’t smash against her, the way my actions have hurt Luce. I can’t allow myself to think of Luce now.

I let myself imagine the scene playing out exactly as I described it for Nico: the man will read our plea for help and be moved to tears. The man is an envoy, an angel, dispatched to earth to free us. Yessireee.

Nico is staring at me intently. Somehow I’ve managed to convince her to keep the piece of paper under her tongue, although she doesn’t quite share the same vision (hallucination?) as me.

My brain is a kaleidoscopic whizzing of shapes and colours and speed. It’s a weird, wired thing. Tonight I am Ms Fizzy Sherbert and Mr Whippy Light. I have a new pluck in my tuck and I have you to thank for that, Doc. I feel as if I’ve mainlined voltage straight into my highway, as if mania is rushing through me – the way Mother used to get just before an episode of rage followed by a blackout. I guess I’m high.

Nico lays a hand on mine to steady me. I can feel her trying to pull me back down inside of myself. I don’t want to land. Tonight I want to fly. I see my knight sitting on a bar stool. In place of a shiny, bald head I plant a crop of thick, dark hair. In place of a sickly cigarette-smoke pallor, I paint rugged, sun-kissed skin. In place of slumped shoulders and slack muscles I create a strong frame and lean sinew. In place of darting pink eyes I see kind, soulful ones.