I’m told to sit in the middle seat, between Igor and Magda. I wish I were on the outside and Magda was beside me so I wouldn’t have to feel Igor’s thigh rubbing against mine. He’s sitting there, legs splayed, taking up all the space, his elbow jutting above the armrest that separates our two seats. I make myself smaller and angle my body towards Magda. She leans across me and ties me into my seat with a black belt that has a metal sliding lock.

The airplane drives on wheels first, gathering in speed and force, revving itself the way I do just before I run – until it builds enough momentum to lift itself off the ground, vibrating with sound. I cover my ears with my hands and Igor points at me and laughs, and I screw my eyes shut. The airplane judders and lifts into the air. My ears feel like they might explode. There’s so much pressure as the machine climbs higher and higher, and over Igor’s shoulder I can see the clouds, which look like floating strips of cotton until we go so high they merge together and cover the airplane in one large sheet of billowing white. As we climb higher we leave the clouds behind and then there’s only space. I can breathe easier here and the pressing weight on the bones of my face lightens. It’s as if we are gliding, like that day Luca and I went to the lake that had frozen over and slid across the surface on Mama’s tin tray.

Another woman with too much paint on her lips walks up the central passage, as if she’s sleepwalking, pushing a metal container on wheels with drinks and food. Magda asks Igor if he would like anything. I tell her I’d like some 7UP. It comes in a small plastic cup with clinking balls of ice at the bottom. I pour and it fizzes over.

‘Stupid girl,’ Igor says as Magda wipes up the wet with a piece of tissue.

‘Not to worry,’ Magda says, staring at Igor. She leans across me and whispers in his ear something about him meant to be acting like my father, and when we’re in public he should pretend to be like a real papa. ‘You don’t want to draw attention to yourself,’ she says. He does not like being told what to do, especially by a woman, and he turns his back and squashes his nose against the window.

The hum of the engine and the soaring sensation lull me into a kind of a stupor. I feel safe with Magda beside me out in public. It’s been so many nights where I haven’t slept that my body twitches as I fall. Once I’ve landed in that dark space where I feel held, I breathe easy.