Sharon had already tuned her mother out. She knew exactly what she was going to hear, and experience told her that the best way to deal with her mum was just to pretend to listen and let the silly old cow get it all out of her system. It was pointless to argue; her mum was the queen of arguing – everyone in the street knew that. If it was an Olympic sport, Ivy Conway would be world fucking champion by now.

Sharon’s father, Derek Conway, known as Del, continued to read his paper as if the house was as quiet as a monastery. He had learned to ignore his Ivy early in their marriage. It had either been that or throttle the fucker to death and, in fairness, when she wasn’t arguing, she was a great girl. But light the blue touchpaper and she was like a banshee – she could howl all fucking night.

He drank his tea. He had seen this coming and so had Ivy, though she had done everything in her power to prevent it. But their Sharon had been mad on Lenny Scott since they had started going out together when she was thirteen and he was fifteen. Now, four years later, he was the father of her child and they were going to get married. At least Lenny wanted to marry her – that in itself was a turn-up in this day and age.

Derek winked surreptitiously at his daughter in support but, unfortunately, her mother caught him in the act.

‘Oh, I see! You think this is fucking funny, do the pair of you? Well, you will be laughing on the other side of your face, lady, once reality sets in. You mark my words . . .’

Sharon made a suitably contrite face and tuned her mother out once more. At the end of the day, she knew that Ivy was not going to let up, and she accepted it. What her mother didn’t allow for was the fact that she was adamant she was going to marry Lenny Scott – no matter what she, or anyone else, might have to say about it. Sharon Conway was determined. Her mum wasn’t the only stubborn fuck in this family, as she would soon find out.

Sharon held her hand up with a finality that actually stopped Ivy Conway in her tracks. ‘He will be here soon with his mum and dad, who are not pleased about the situation either, but unlike you, Mum, they see me and my Lenny as making the best of it. You would have more to say if he didn’t want to marry me. But he does. We both want this wedding and, yes, it’s a bit sooner than we planned, but there you are. It’s happened. So get over it.’

Derek Conway was gobsmacked when his Ivy actually did shut that big galloping trap of hers. He had never believed that he would see the day.