My eyes are glued to our fingers, resting against each other. I can’t believe he’s acting like this isn’t a big deal. All this time, I’ve been trying not to imagine too much about him. I used to think tons of people were pretty in middle school—celebrities in magazines, the older girls. I never thought about anything happening. High school has made it so much worse because things happen here. People kiss in the hallways and hold hands. People are dating, having sex, at least pretending to love each other. I never thought I’d have that, at least not until I graduated.

But here I am, standing in the hall with Miles, who holds his hand out like an invitation. It’s one thing to hold hands, but Miles doesn’t have an air of cool indifference when he does it. He breaks all the unspoken rules, the ones everyone is supposed to know about. Maybe he just doesn’t care. I wish I didn’t. I want to enjoy this, to grab his hand like it’s no big deal, but the person who wrote the notes could be anywhere. I glance up, around us, before grabbing his hand as discreetly as I can. He smiles at me. Hopefully, the note’s writer isn’t around. I focus on untwisting the nervous knots in my stomach.

“So there’s a lacrosse game today,” he says, swallowing. I tug him behind me as I dodge kids chilling by lockers and another trying to skateboard down the middle of the hall. “It’s home, at four. And rehearsal ends early today.”

“Yes,” I say, raising a brow. Lacrosse is a welcome distraction from everything I’m stressing about. “It does.”

Usually, I try to hang out with Claudia and Lydia after rehearsal. It’s not a set appointment every day, but it’s been three days since we went to the sex shop, and we haven’t been talking much since then. I know it’s because of me. Neither of them has said anything, but that doesn’t stop the ball of guilt forming in the pit of my stomach. Lydia and Claudia both date and still figure out ways to hang out. Miles and I aren’t even dating, not really, and I already feel like I’m slipping away from them.

I glance down at our hands.

“So I wanted to go watch my guys play. And it would be cool if you came with me.”

“Oh.” I blink. “I mean, I might stay after rehearsal a little bit, so I can talk to Palumbo. We’re getting closer to opening night.”

It’s already November, and the musical opens at the start of December. I can’t believe how quickly time is flying by. The thought makes me nauseous. I feel like time goes even faster when you’re in charge of stuff.