Memorable, and also an experience I’m actively trying to forget. He’s making it harder than I thought it would be. I thought pretending to be asleep when he came over yesterday would be enough of a deterrent. I had been trying to take a nap, I just exaggerated my breathing when I heard my mom open the door. Her knowing gaze at dinner last night was distracting. But the kicker was Holden himself.

Despite my best efforts, I’ve heard the rumors about him. He’s a star player off the court as well as on it. In addition to being the hottest guy who attends Pembrooke High, he has it. That tangible charisma where you’re drawn to someone even when they’re doing nothing. He has a pull around him, a confidence that stands out regardless of where he is. Regardless of whatever he’s doing.

Maybe it should make me feel better about my perpetual weakness, seeing how girls throw themselves at him based on that appeal alone. I have some measure of history with him, back when we were close friends. There were also ten thrilling minutes during eighth grade when I was certain he felt the same way about me as I felt about him.

I was sure Friday night would lead to the same indifference that rapidly followed our eighth-grade kiss. History is often an accurate predictor of the future.

Instead, Holden sought me out—twice—when he could have very easily pretended it never happened. He seemed…affected. He also acknowledged me at school, which he’s never done, aside from the discussions involving the essay that were forced upon him.

It felt like people were giving me side glances all afternoon, and I don’t think it was just in my head. It’s part of the effect Holden has. There’s no way he didn’t know pulling me out of the cafeteria would draw attention.

He isn’t as egotistical as he could be about the level of interest in him, but he’s not oblivious either. I can’t figure out why he did it. The only explanation I can come up with is that he’s worried I’ll say something to Sydney, and that pisses me off.

It would cause strife between them, and that’s nothing I’d purposely encourage. I never told her how he ghosted me at the end of middle school. And he was the one who kissed me. I’m the one who initiated things between us this time, and that alone is enough to assure I’d never tell Sydney. Not only is the guy in question her brother, he’s also the only boy who’s broken my heart. If the roles were reversed, I’d be warning her far away from him.