“It was physical,” he said fast. “Hard work. Got up early. Moved all day. Chopping shit. Hauling shit. Hammering shit. Ate when it occurred to me. Fell in bed at night after a shower and a sandwich and was so worn out, I’d be asleep almost before I pulled the sheets over me. Downtime, when it was rainin’, or it was snowin’, I wrote songs. I read books. I did nothin’ but stare into space. On occasion, I took time. I climbed to the tops of mountains and screamed at God. I went to a lake and fished and wept that Baptiste barely got old enough to get good at tying his shoes, much less a fishin’ line. I got to a point where I was so deep in the anger, I didn’t think I’d ever go down that mountain except to buy food. Then I thought maybe I wouldn’t even bother doin’ that. I’d plant a garden, hunt and fish and my clothes could rot on me. I wouldn’t see you again. We wouldn’t make babies. I wouldn’t see the band again. We wouldn’t make music.”

I said nothing.

Just held his neck.

But maybe now I was doing it too tightly.

I just couldn’t stop.

“And then one day, I’m walkin’ to the woodshed to get wood, and there’s this fawn standing there, staring at me.”

I pressed closer automatically.

“Little body. Big ears. All legs. Legs that are spindly. Black eyes. Curious. Lookin’ right at me. Not scared at all. Babies, they’re not scared. They aren’t until you teach them how to be.”

I didn’t like where this was going, although fascinated by it, but I knew whatever was coming, I had to take it so he could give it, and then hopefully…

Be free of it.

Thus, I remained silent and started rubbing my thumbs through his beard at his jaw.

“Don’t know where her momma was. I’d stopped walkin’. And it was just her and me and the trees and the woodshed. She was so dainty, I got hold of her, I could break her neck. Tear off her legs. But something that beautiful, that precious, that thought wouldn’t even enter my head. And in that moment, lookin’ at that creature, I’d put myself in the path of a bullet to spare that fawn. If she was in danger, I’d go to the mat fightin’ if it meant she got away and was safe.”

Oh God.

My man.

My beautiful man.