So, my bad situation gets worse because things are deteriorating so rapidly, it feels like my whole life is slipping through my fingers.

And it’s turned to sand.

No way to grab hold.

But I was desperate to find a way to do just that.

So, I needed to make a decision.

Wait Preacher out and hope things improve so he’ll talk to me, which does not seem very likely.

Or try to find out what’s happening.

I will say now that I knew this was risky.

Talking behind Preacher’s back.

As I’ve mentioned repeatedly, he did not like that.

But I loved him, and everything was falling apart.

Including us.

So, I had to take the risk.

[Takes very deep breath and lets it out while speaking]

You know, in the glut of cataclysms that were happening, it seems strange to say this.

But one of the worst parts about taking that risk was not what happened after.

It was that the two people I spoke to, Jesse and Tommy, who were the two people Preacher was closest to, even more than he was to Shawn at that time, knew Preacher would not take too well to me approaching them why I was approaching them, and both of them encouraged me to go direct to the source.

They refused to talk to me, they didn’t give me that first thing.

I didn’t know until later this was not only because they really did not want to talk behind Preacher’s back.

They didn’t know anything either.

And yeah.

[Pauses]

That was the worst part.

[Off tape]

You didn’t speak to Williams?

[Pauses a moment]

That’s a good question and I know that because, after it all happened, I spent a lot of time thinking about why I did not do that.

DuShawn told me we were a team, and if I needed to work things out in regard to Preacher, I should go to him.

I really didn’t know how important this was at the time, and obviously later.

And after that situation in our first house in LA, Preacher never gave me a reason to call on my teammate.

But it wasn’t that I forgot.

Oh, no.

[Shakes head]

I did not forget.

This is where I fucked up.

Because, you see, I didn’t go to Shawn for altruistic reasons. Because I was protecting him.

Looking back, I realize I didn’t go to Shawn because I was terrified of what he might say.

So, I took the risk…

The wrong one.

Then I took the next one.

And failed spectacularly at both.

On every level.

I was sitting cross-legged smack in the middle of the bed with a cold cup of forgotten coffee cradled in my hands, my hands resting in my lap and my eyes aimed across the suite.