The doors of the nursing home are locked when I arrive. I should have expected that at one in the morning but suddenly I’m panicking, banging on anything that will make a noise in the hope of alerting someone on the other side.

When Mom first took this step towards her demise, we were given contacts and emergency numbers, a whole brochure full of anything we would need. I never even looked at it.

I could ring my dad but that wouldn’t be fair, not at this hour. Danny, on the other hand, I don’t care about waking at this hour. It will be good practice for him for when the baby arrives. As I filter down my phone contacts I hear a jingle of keys on the other side of the door.

‘I have to see my mother,’ I shout at the man behind the glass. He’s wearing a brown security uniform with cream piping, the tag ‘Barry’ stitched onto the breast pocket. He’s tall and round and I can tell by Barry’s kind eyes that I’m begging a decent person. There is hope.

‘I have to see my mom,’ I repeat when he opens the door slightly. ‘She took a turn earlier this evening, and I need to see her.’

‘Well, we can’t have you standing out there. Come on inside.’

He sounds like Morgan Freeman, a voice that is dusky, dark and on my side. I know he is going to give me a spiel about Oakridge’s policy, how they can’t have people in the building outside visiting hours when patients are asleep. Actually, they don’t call them patients. It’s ‘clients,’ as if people actually want what they are selling here. But I’m wrong. This man is even wiser than Morgan Freeman.

‘I’m guessing you didn’t come out here in the middle of the night unless it was really important,’ he says, ushering me over towards the reception desk. ‘What’s your mother’s name?’

‘Nancy Wall,’ I answer, watching him take forever to lift the visitor’s book from below the counter.

‘I’ll have to get you to sign in.’

‘Rebecca, I’m Rebecca Wall.’

‘Okay, Rebecca.’ He is flicking through the pages, looking for the current one. ‘Sorry about this, but for fire safety we have to know exactly who is on the premises no matter what time of the day or night.’

Fine, just hurry up.

‘I understand,’ I say, thinking I might be quicker getting in if I just waited until I qualified as a client.

‘Here we are,’ he says.

‘Wait a sec,’ I say. Did I just see…? ‘Go back a page.’

‘Back where?’ he says.

‘Not that page, the page before.’

Leaning in, I flick the page back. It’s done before Barry has a choice in the matter. ‘There,’ I say, moving around to Barry’s side to get a closer look.