I’m torn, ripped, sliced down the middle. If Dad doesn’t know what’s going on he must be completely confused as to why I’m not there. Why his daughter, who spent so much time with her sick mother, isn’t coming in to say goodbye, to be there with him, with her brother, with her mom.

Oh, Jesus, it’s not easy being Louise.

‘I’ll think about it,’ I say, then hang up.

‘He wants you to go in and see her?’ Jeff says from behind the kitchen island.

‘I hope you’re not thinking of cooking, I can’t eat anything.’

Closing the door on the refrigerator, he walks back to the couch.

‘What do you think you should do?’ he says.

My head drops into my hands. ‘What would you do?’ I ask.

‘Don’t know. Would I want to say goodbye? Not really. Would I want to be there? Not really. Would I regret it later in life? Maybe, maybe not… It’s up to you, Becca.’

‘It’s Dad I’m worried about. What must he think?’

‘Don’t worry about him. He’ll understand when he finds out the truth. This is about you, you and your mom, if we can still call her that.’

He’s right. This decision is about me, not Danny or Dad. I’m sick of spending my life trying to please other people. No, I’m doing this for me. I’m going to see her.

Chapter Fifty-Four

The room pulses with sadness when I open the door. Curtains pulled, candles flickering. A large vase of fresh lilies sits on the cabinet amongst all the lying photos. Danny is standing at the end of the bed, just standing there, completely still, hands wrapped around the metal bar. He glances up to see who has entered and when he sees it’s me, he smiles a little. His eyes brighten as he lets out a sigh of relief.

If he thinks I’m here to play happy families, he can think again.

Dad gets up from the chair by the side of the bed. His face is white like a ghost’s, his burnt eyes blinking, making sure it’s me he is looking at.

‘Becca,’ he says. He hugs me, squeezing tightly, afraid I might float away if he lets go. After a few seconds he whispers, ‘Are you feeling better?’ I nod.

Moving the chair closer to the bed, he tells me to sit down. I’m like a robot, doing what I’m told because I don’t really know what I should be doing.

Danny nods, letting me know he’s grateful I came, probably praying I won’t say anything, not here, not now.