Chris learned to accept his father’s reticence. He understood that Frederick’s upbringing was largely shaped by Karl’s coldness and lack of interest in his own family. “There were no warm experiences,” said Chris, about Frederick’s relationship with Karl. “The first time my father taught me how to dive or the first time my father taught me how to swim, or the first time I sat on my father’s lap when he was driving—none of that stuff was going on.”

Frankly, Frederick showed as much affection as he was able to. In comparison to the relationship he had with his own dad, that was an improvement, but it was still not adequate.

“I really noticed as an adult, when I had access to other families and [could] see their closeness, that there is a difference,” said Chris.20

The fact that Frederick was so much more willing to shower attention on his wife than his children became so obvious that relatives wondered if Elinor and Frederick ever should have had children. They were so into each other that their children seemed secondary. It impacted Stephen the most, who as an adult struggled with periods of estrangement from both of his parents and had no interest in sharing any memories of them.

“It would have been hard for anybody to be Ellie and Frika’s child,” said Hope. “Frika loved the boys, you know; they were his pride and joy as well. But in terms of affection and open affection, Ellie was the only one. That’s a tough thing for a kid to grow up with.”21

What was clear to everyone around him was that Frederick made Elinor his center of social contact. He didn’t have friends or hang out with his colleagues after work. He never came home from the office to drop off his briefcase and say he was running out to have a beer with the guys. He didn’t have any “guys.” If the phone rang, it was for Elinor, or one of the boys once they were older.

“He never really got a personal, friendly phone call where somebody would call up and they would have a conversation,” said Chris, who couldn’t recall his father inviting anyone over for a drink, to watch a game, or to listen to music and talk. Elinor was the opposite. She would sit in a chair in the kitchen where there was a wall phone and talk to someone for forty-five minutes. On the rare occasion Frederick had a call, it lasted five minutes at best.