What Elinor and Frederick could do was share their hobbies. For Elinor that was antiquing, mentoring, and gardening; for Frederick, that meant playing jazz, sailing, or painting.

“The closest I ever felt to my father was the period where his hobby was boats, each increasing in size,” said Chris. “The first boat he had was a sixteen-foot, then he had a twenty-one-foot, then he had a twenty-three-foot, then he had about a twenty-eight-foot, then he went back to a smaller boat. But there was a period of about a summer or two summers where we would regularly go out, just the two of us. And occasionally my mother would join us.”18 But those moments still never included too much conversation. Usually Frederick sailed alone or went on the boat with just Elinor.

The few times when Frederick was social, he hid it from his children, as if he believed showing a playful side was inappropriate for a parent. Once Chris rode with Elinor to pick up Frederick from work and was shocked to see him holding court with a group of coworkers, everyone laughing. “I never really saw that social side of him.”

“You’d assume a father and son—every weekend—would have some kind of project. Fixing the car, working on the house,” Chris went on. But what would begin as an endearing father-son moment with Frederick would usually end with one of his sons getting his feelings hurt. Chris remembered that when Frederick was working on one of his cars, occasionally he would need a tool to help him repair something in the engine. “I’d say, ‘Hey, Pops, you want some help?’ He’d say, ‘Hand me that number two wrench,’ and ‘Hand me this.’ Then it’d be about three to five minutes before I’d hand him the wrong tool and he’d say ‘Hell, get away from here!’”19

Frederick wasn’t intentionally cold like his father, but he struggled with showing affection to his children, and he displayed a level of intolerance that could be cruel and dismissive. He was at home much more often than his father, which could have been why he didn’t see himself as hard on his sons. And there was some warmth; the boys received hugs, and for a time Frederick kissed them good night. But Chris remembered that his father abruptly stopped being affectionate when he was around seven or eight years old, and a year went by without Frederick kissing him good night. It must have bothered Elinor, because she told Chris one evening before bed, “Give your father a kiss,” and he did. Looking back on it, Chris felt as if she knew that Frederick had created unnecessary boundaries and she didn’t want that to continue.