I don’t like Ms Steel. Steel by name and steel by nature. She is extremely good-looking in a severe sort of way. It really gets my goat that it’s OK for Dad to surround himself with shit-hot women but not me. Anyway, there I was, staring gormlessly at the severe but sexy Ms Steel. I really wouldn’t have minded easing her between my sheets – freshly changed after Ruth, before anyone gets the wrong idea – but so far that opportunity hadn’t been granted me.

There was no opening preamble. No ‘Hello, Luke, how are you? Do you fancy a spot of afternoon delight?’

‘A message from your father,’ she announced, laying a whole rainforest of documents on the table.

A bit environmentally irresponsible, as I pointed out and she ignored me. I did try a quick squint at them, but my head was still pounding and quite honestly, my eyes weren’t focusing that well, either.

Ms Steel sighed, conveying an entire continent of impatience and judgement. ‘Can you even see the papers, Mr Parrish?’

‘I’m actually having difficulty seeing the table. Can’t you just tell me?’

‘Very well. These are enlistment papers for the Time Police.’

I was shocked. Seriously shocked. ‘What? Why the hell is the old man joining the Time Police?’

She didn’t bother to laugh. ‘Your father feels that after the Tannhauser incident last year, your life would benefit from more structure. Hence, you will serve two years in the Time Police.’

I had the feeling I was fighting a losing battle but I had a go anyway. ‘He can’t do that.’

‘He has already done it.’

I said with confidence, ‘They’re not going to take someone like me.’

‘With the right inducements, they would take even someone like you.’

I thought the ‘even’ was a little bit offensive and said so.

She shrugged, giving an excellent impersonation of a woman who really couldn’t give a fu . . . give a damn.

Time to turn on the old Parrish charm. Never lets me down.

I inched my chair closer. ‘I feel sure there’s been a mistake somewhere along the line, Ms Steel. He didn’t actually mean me to join. It’s just to scare me. And it’s worked. Obviously, I’ll be a good boy from now on. Please pass on my congratulations regarding his tactics. Is he coming to my birthday party tonight?’

‘No. And neither are you. These papers order you to report immediately. Later today, in fact.’

I blinked furiously. As if that would make any difference. He can’t do this.’

She didn’t bother with a response this time.

I stirred the papers with my finger. They all looked horribly genuine. Not that I’d know any differently but they did all the same. My headache redoubled its thumping. I couldn’t join the Time Police. What was the old man thinking?