Than I had given you credit for.’

He turned the handle. Turned the screw.

‘Sorry, there’s nothing we can do.

Business is business, we need our pound of flesh.

Next finger please. Put it in and… PUSH…’

Another Mid-life Crisis

3 a.m. Feeling like death

and wanting to end it all

I reach for the aspirin bottle.

Will there be enough?

One by one I count them out. 72?

Need more to be on the safe side.

Rummaging around I add another 30.

That should do it.

Take the first two with a glass of water.

Feel better. Go back to bed. Fall asleep.

Early Morning Poems

(i)

Got up

did my toilet:

Washed

Shaved

Combed hair

My toilet looks much nicer now.

(ii)

Got up

Had shave

Did Times crossword

Had another shave.

Rocker-by

Hush-a-bye, Daddy, don’t you cry

Baby will sing a lullaby

Your duck’s arse

is thinning and grey

Your Elvis tattoo

is wearing away

Your bootlace ties

hang limp and frayed

Your 78s

are overplayed

Not rock ’n’ roll

but aches ’n’ pains

Drainies play hell

with varicose veins

Your blue-suede shoes

now have lead in them

Drunk each night

you go to bed in them

When the music stops

You’ll be dead in them

Shush, old man, your day is done

Where mine has only just begun

Used to Drink

Used to drink Pernod

Till my insides, an inferno

Said ‘No’

Schooners of sherry

Soon as merry

Sick, very

So I drank rum

Yo ho ho as they come

Sore bum

What’s nice is

Gin with lemon slices

Made me grin. Did me in

Turned to lager (Special Brew)

Went gaga

So will you

Downed tequila

Soon down at heel, ah

It’s a killer

Odd dram of malt

Gave the old liver a jolt

Called a halt.

Mineral water

Herb tea

Beers (alcohol-free)

Cheers! I deserve a pat on the back…

(Next year maybe give up cocaine and smack.)

Where It’s At

I’m in the Health Club

I’m where it’s at

Twenty minutes on the mat

Light circuit-training

Gentle jog if not raining

Sauna, jacuzzi

Sit by Suzi

I’m in the Wine Bar

I’m where it’s at

Vino tinto into that

Pig out on tapas

Choose momento, make a pass

Scusi scusi

Chat up Suzi

I’m in the Porsche

I’m where it’s at

Rocks off in Docklands’ flat

Ecstasy, share a smoke

His ’n’ hers, two lines of coke

CD something bluesy

Hold tight Suzi

I’m in prison

I’m where it’s at

Didn’t see the Passat. Splat!

Banged up on Isle of Wight

With terrorist and transvestite

Can’t be choosy

Bye bye Suzi.

Fart

He was lyin there, so I… er

Stabbed him. Just the once.

In the stomach. Crashed out

on the sofa he was. After the pub.

He wasn’t asleep. Some nights

he’d pass out but most nights he’d pretend.