and consider how best to wreck each other’s lives.

At the river’s edge, the kitchen maids are washing up.

In the age-old tradition, they slap the plates

against the side of a rock, singing tonelessly.

Like tiny chauffeurs, the mosquitoes will soon arrive

and drive us home. O England, how I miss you.

Ascot, Henley, Wimbledon. It’s the little things.

Isolation

I like my isolation

Within easy reach of other people’s

Wide-open spaces set me on edge

Than a bland Savannah I’d rather be

Something clumped beneath a hedge

Two Quatrains

The Surrealist Stripper

I made you look

I made you stir

Do you like

My cubic hair?

The Capitalist Model

‘You’d like a more

Seductive posture?

That’s what I’m for

But it’ll cost yer.’

The Blues

Two a.m.

in the Blue Magnolia.

I smoke my last cigarette

and wait for the piano-player

to send me a drink over.

Star Juice

This morning

came a loud moaning

as a cloud

clutching its stomach

staggered across the sky

and threw up

all over Manchester

I know the feeling

It’s been up all night

drinking with the moon

Star juice

It’s a killer.

The Bright Side

Things are so bad

I am reduced to scraping

The outside of the barrel.

And yet, I do not despair.

In the yard there are many

Worse off than myself. (Well, four:

A one-eyed rat

A three-legged cat

A corpse and the lavatory door.)

The Unknown Worrier

Don’t worry, I’ll do it for you

I’m a therapist manqué

Let me be your worry beads

I’ll tell your cares away

Should I chance to sit beside you

In a café or a park

And a cloud is hanging over

Groaning, heavy and dark

You can bet that when it’s time to go

You’ll have nothing on your mind

While I sit in the shadow

Of the cloud you left behind

Don’t worry, I’ll do it for you

Relax, I’ll take the strain

Anxiety is my forte

I’ve got worry on the brain

Five Ways to Help You Pass Safely through a Dark Wood Late at Night

1. Whistle a tune your father whistled when you were a child

2. Cross the first two fingers of your left hand

3. If you lose sight of the moon hold it in the mind’s eye

4. Imagine the colours that surround you waiting for the first kiss of morning

5. Keep a Smith & Wesson in the glove compartment

5

Poor Old Dead Horses

Don’t give your rocking-horse

To the old rag and bony

He’ll go straight to the knacker

And haggle for money

The stirrups are torn off

The bridle and harness

Chopped up for firewood

It is thrown on the furnace

And the water that boils

Is chucked down the sluices

To wash away what remains

Of poor old dead horses.

The Trouble with Snowmen

‘The trouble with snowmen,’