“The only difference is that Auntie Choo Neo would demand we stop at her favourite convenience store to buy a lotto ticket,” I added. We bent over laughing.

“Listen,” John straightened and turned serious, “I’m happy you want to find your mom. It can’t be easy to be in the dark about so much. You must have a million questions about why she left and why she never contacted you.”

“I think I’m ready to find out now, even if my family isn’t. The trouble is, I’m at an impasse,” I admitted.

I stood up, having finished burping Leo, and handed her to John. He took her in one arm and wrapped the other one around my shoulders. “It may feel like you’re at a dead end, but you’ve only just begun looking for her. Don’t be discouraged yet.”

齒Tooth

I HATED TO CANCEL MY PLANS to meet with my colleagues for the first time since Leo was born. I had wanted to hear about how things were going at work, but the baby was inconsolable.

That night, as I was trying to calm her down to put her to sleep, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Why are you so terrible right now?” I asked the baby in desperation.

John must have overheard me. “Lily?” He walked into Leo’s room. “Why are you saying that?” He took Leo from my arms and said, “Look at her, she’s chewing her hands and drooling more than usual. I think she’s teething. She’s in pain. I’ll get some ice and put it in a cloth for her. Can you grab the Tylenol?”

I was chastened by how easily John decoded her cries. I went to the washroom to riffle through the medicine cabinet. A half-hour later, Leo was sleeping serenely in John’s arms. He set her down in the crib and closed the door.

“How did you know?” I asked him.

“I didn’t. I just made an educated guess.” He shrugged. “She was crying differently. I think she was really in pain.”

I nodded. “Why does this process have to be so painful? Didn’t teething babies give cavemen away to predators?”

John laughed. “Are you okay? You were pretty hard on her.”

“I was just so tired of her crying. And I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.”

“It’s probably harder for you to see because you’re with her all day. It’s tiring.”

“Don’t you think I should have known? I’m her mom.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. We’re a team. We figured it out in the end.”

“You figured it out.”

“Sometimes there’s nothing to figure out.” He put a gentle hand on my arm. “This was just one incident, Lily. You’re her mom, and you provide her with more than I can right now.”

This didn’t comfort me. I felt wholly inadequate as a mother, exhausted and irritable. I looked down at Leo, sleeping quietly in her crib. Something was preventing me from getting close to her, connecting with her. The sense of detachment scared me.