“No,” he said brusquely.

My heart sank. I felt the hope in finding my mother slipping through my fingers like the sand at Muara Beach. The news of Auntie Ah Lian’s death was upsetting, even though I didn’t have a relationship with her. Now I couldn’t ask her what had transpired between the sisters. I wouldn’t hear her childhood stories of Mother, even tainted by envy or resentment. I wouldn’t be able to query her theories about where Mother may have gone or why. The only person who had known Mother since she was a child was now gone. No one else was left to tell me anything from her past. Even though I was physically closer to the place where I thought Mother might be, I felt further away from her than ever.

When I arrived back at Winston’s house, I found everyone home and chatting busily.

“Where have you been?” asked Auntie Choo Neo.

“Just went to the grocery store to get some baby food,” I fibbed, as I held the bag out in front of me.

Winston motioned for me to join him in the kitchen to put the food into the fridge. He eyed me warily, and I realized his driver must have told him the errand he was on. “Please don’t tell your mother,” I said.

Winston laughed. “You know Ma so well. So, tell me, how was your uncle?”

“Did you know that Auntie Ah Lian passed away?”

“Yes. Sayang, what a pity. I heard she was very sick in the end.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell us?”

“Ma knows.”

“Li nang le kong sih mih? What are you all talking about?”

“In fact, your uncle came to me to ask where your mother was to tell her the news.”

“Uncle didn’t say anything to me about this.”

“Maybe he forgot. Maybe he didn’t think it was important.”

“Maybe he still thinks I’m a little girl,” I muttered. Winston gave me a concerned look and didn’t deny it. I asked, “What did you tell him?” I was twisting the hem of my blouse, hoping there was news I had not yet uncovered.

“I told him wo m’jai, I don’t know. I said I thought we’d be the last people your mother would come to for anything. Swee Hua knew Uncle Ah Loy was looking for her and this side of the family is loyal to your father.”

“Does my dad know about Auntie Ah Lian?”

“I believe he does. I don’t know why Ma or Uncle Ah Loy didn’t tell you. But I can say that your mother’s family jin kiam chye, is in a real mess.”

I was not a child anymore, and I was disturbed by Auntie Choo Neo’s insistence that I be sheltered from things, all these years later. Did she see me as a younger version of Mother, a fragile flower whose petals would fall to the ground if shaken by the news?