The next day, Leo was still battling her tooth. I had already given her Tylenol and offered her some toys I had put in the freezer, but nothing was helping. I put her in the carrier, tried to feed her, even offered her my own fingers to chew on. Nothing made her stop crying. I had to call my law partner, Vishal, and tell him that Leo was not cooperating and that I couldn’t bring her into the office.

“Lily, forget about work for now! You’re on maternity leave. Don’t worry, we haven’t forgotten about you.”

“No, I know. I just thought it would be nice to reconnect with the team and hear about what everyone’s been doing.”

“Work will always be here waiting for you. Don’t worry. Enjoy your time with your daughter. I’ve got to run, but we’ll see you soon.”

I dragged my feet back into the kitchen, where I had left Leo, sobbing in her Jolly Jumper.

“Okay, monkey, let’s go for a walk. Maybe it will distract you from your teeth.” I sighed, saddened by the missed opportunity to reclaim a part of my life that I missed so much.

Outside, there was a light dusting of snow and the air was cool, but I was warm in my parka. Leo, in the carrier strapped to my body, seemed to enjoy the swaying of my steps. She settled, and I tried to make them slow and deliberate. I had nowhere to go but found myself in Chinatown. Thoughts of my mother seeped into my head. Was this how she felt when she was with us? She was far away from her home and wanted so badly just to see it again for a brief moment. I longed for my old life, my work, my routine. I wanted so badly to be part of something other than the world of motherhood. It must have been more difficult for her, missing her home, her family, her culture.

The guilt I felt for having these thoughts overwhelmed me. I worried that I would turn into Mother, that I would transform into a ghost and neglect my family. I wondered if I was fighting something innate, inherited, uncontrollable.

I pulled out my phone and called Auntie Miriam. I was ready to do more digging. Someone out there must know where Mother was.

“Hi, Auntie Miriam!”

“Lily! I’m so sorry for not calling earlier to check on you. How are things? Did you get the package I sent you?”

“Yes, thank you. I’m so sorry for not acknowledging it sooner. That’s why I’m calling. I wanted to thank you. I got it a few months ago. I love the outfits you bought for Leo. They’ll be great for the summer.”

“I forgot to note in the card that Joy made the one with the tulips.”

“Oh wow, she made that dress? It’s beautiful. I saw her label on it, so I assumed it came from her store in Vancouver. I’ll have to send her a note of thanks. She must be doing well.”