I love you even more for that. And God, I miss you. Your laughter made the pain in my life a little more bearable. Your presence was the only thing that had the power to make me smile, and I’ve always loved the jittery feelings you stirred in my stomach. I have a few friends at school, no one that close. Definitely no one I can confide in, but sometimes they talk to me. They complain about those flutters, say they lose their tongue and can’t talk to guys.

It’s never been that way with you. That jittery feeling always made me feel alive and connected to you. And we talked all the time, about your dreams of making it to the UFC, about your family. About mine. I envy the closeness you have with your dad. And I know you don’t get along with your brother, but at least he isn’t—

Never mind. Family is a sore subject for me. I used to pretend that you were there for me and not my brother, that you needed to be around me as much as I needed to be near you. I know I’m lying to myself with that one. I’m just a kid. No one important. Someone who isn’t worthy of you. I never was, and now, after what I’ve done, I never will be.

I don’t have the courage to put into words why I did what I did. Maybe someday I will. Maybe someday I’ll pour it all out into a letter and actually send it. Actually do the right thing. But I can’t, because I’m just as trapped as you are.

I need you to know this, Rafe. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, and it’s taken over my heart and each beat hurts, especially because I know you’ll never forgive me.

But please try.

Yours always,

Alex

Intense relief settled in, and I wiped the sweat from my brow. I hadn’t raped her all those years ago. Her own words proved it. I tore into the stack of her secrets like a starved man, needing more. Most of them were similar to the first, yet the tone shifted with each envelope as time moved forward. A prominent note of desperation and self-hate tainted the ink of her words. Then I came across a letter that branded my insides like a hot iron.

Rafe,

I don’t know what to do! I’m so scared. He’s out of control. He put my science partner in the hospital today, all because the guy asked me out on a date. I wish you were here. I know it’s irrational to wish that. I’m the reason you are where you are. It’s all my fault. My existence has caused so much pain for others.